Jan’s Blog Posts

Are you flourishing or floundering?

On January 1st I had several captive hours at an airport. I watched a lone duck swimming in circles in a courtyard pond. Was this duck flourishing in the sunlit zone or floundering somehow? Later the duck swam sideways, ditched repetitive circling, shook its feathers, and settled into cozy napping in the shade.

Mental Wellness Month is celebrated every year from January 1st to 31^st with an intent to highlight the importance of mental health. Instead of a typical focus on New Year resolutions that revolve around one’s physical wellbeing — such as weight loss or renewed exercise affirmations — this mental wellness focus is a flourishing recognition for every person, but it is particularly important for those challenged with mental health issues.

January can be a letdown. A Happy New Year may seem dubious. Loneliness is on the rise in the U.S., and it can lead to a host of bodymind (both physical and emotional) challenges. According to psychology research, the cause of loneliness is not being alone, but being without some definite needed relationship or set of relations. Loneliness is a main determinant of one’s social wellness.

The Global Wellness Institute (GWI) defines mental wellness as “an internal resource that helps us think, feel, connect, and function: it is an active process that helps us to build resilience, grow, and flourish.” The Institute’s goal is to empower wellness worldwide. This forward-thinking vision for systemic public health includes mobilizing government policymakers, public servants, and businesses to endorse everyday wellness. 

Here are GWI policy questions that cry out for answers:

• “When we are spending trillions of dollars on wellness, why do the rates of chronic disease and related health expenditures also continue to rise unsustainably?”
• “Why does wellness feel so white and rich and exclusive?”
• “What about those who don’t have the money or time to spend on wellness?”

On a community level, there are simple ways to celebrate Mental Health Awareness Month and support bodymind wellness. Local businesses can help employees to focus on wellbeing by providing “wellness gifts.” Examples are reusable water bottles, gift cards to health stores, stress balls, relaxation tools like a heated neck pillow, self-help books and gratitude journals.

I can attest to the flourishing momentum of maintaining a wellness gratitude journal, even while floundering. I kept a gratitude journal every day for a whole year on 3 different challenging years of my life (the year after my husband’s sudden death, the year after my father’s prolonged death, and a year while my mother was dying).

Every night before sleep I wrote 3 simple gratitudes in my journal for that day. During each day I would prompt myself to think of small turning points. At nighttime I not only had something to write about, but I put myself into a positive space for sleep without repetitive circling thoughts.    

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

153. What is your definition of flourishing?

154. How do you make peace with floundering times?                    

Four intertwined bronze arms — a 22-foot-tall sculpture memorializing Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. hugging his wife, Coretta Scott King – had an unveiling on Boston Common on 1-13-2023. Artist Hank Willis Thomas created The Embrace from the essence of a photograph showing the couple hugging after MLK won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964.

At age 35 King was the youngest person to receive this honor for his staunch support of overcoming racism and poverty. He donated his $54,123 prize money to promote civil rights in 6 organizations, including the Gandhi Society for Human Rights. Just 4 years later King died from a gunshot wound after championing nonviolence in a manner modeled by his mentor, Mahatma Gandhi.

Boston was home to MLK when he met his future wife. While King was a doctoral candidate of systemic theology at Boston University (BU), creative Coretta Scott was completing her degree of opera studies at New England Conservatory of Music. They married in 1953 and MLK graduated from BU in 1955.   

I feel privileged to have education ties to MLK.

BU was home for my counseling psychology doctorate, although many years after King’s studies there. Our paths did cross when I was in college. In King’s final campus speech before his untimely death, I heard him speak at Manchester College (now Manchester University) in Indiana. I still recall the experience of King, especially his resolute voice with a passion for peace and justice.

However, not everyone in that small Indiana community was appreciative of King’s peace message, as he was emphatically against the Vietnam War: “…our national administration is more concerned about winning an ill-considered war in Vietnam than about winning the war against poverty right here at home. I raise my voice against that war because I have seen what it has done to our nation…It has diverted attention from civil rights.” Our college president received hate mail, but today King is commemorated on campus with a bronze bust of him near the location of his speech.

Manchester celebrates the 75^th anniversary of their Peace Studies Institute and Program for Conflict Resolution in 2023, the oldest undergraduate peace studies curriculum in the world. Originally a college for theology students, Manchester has religious roots in the Church of the Brethren, one of the historic churches devoted to peace.

• A take-away lesson from MLK was echoed by his son, Martin Luther King, III, upon the unveiling of the giant-arms sculpture: “…we must learn nonviolence, or we will cease to exist.”
• MLK believed in “…the sacredness of human personality…human life is too sacred to be taken on the battlefields of the world.”
• A take-away message from artist Thomas gives pause for thought: “There are so many monuments to victims of war; there are very, very few monuments to love.”

Join me in reaching for pearls of peace.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

151. How often do you consider sacredness in another’s personality?     

152. On this MLK Day, how can you embrace peace-making?           

Have you ever found yourself in an awkward position? I have. My latest awkward move was falling off a curb on my first day of a Hawaiian vacation with extended family who live on Oahu. Wearing flipflops, like every other islander, I slid sideways off the edge of a curb and twisted my right foot as I tried to regain my balance. An observer commented, “You sure fell gracefully.” I could have spit venom at that moment, not so much at him, but at myself for harming my wellbeing.

In addition to painfully wayward physical moves, people make wayward social moves. We often lack “social fitness,” a concept well researched by Robert Waldinger, 4^th director, and Marc Schultz, an associate director, of the 85-year Harvard Study of Adult Development (The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness). Lives of 724 men (and today including wives and 2000+ children of the men) were tracked regarding their work, home life, and health. Of the original group, men were sophomores at Harvard during World War II; John F. Kennedy was a participant. A second group included teenage boys from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods where their tenement homes did not have hot/cold running water.

Both groups of men showed positive as well as painfully wayward moves over a lifetime; some experienced alcoholism, some climbed the social ladder from bottom-up, while others at the top slid downward. The over-decades results suggest that wealth, fame, and hard work are not main ingredients in generating happiness and wellbeing.

It is troublesome that 80% of Millennials (currently ages 23-41) in a recent survey report that their major goal in life is to become rich; another 50% include fame as their secondary goal.

However, the single most important aspect for longevity and happiness is hiding in our relationships. Wealth and high achievement are no guarantee to make (wo)men healthy and lifestyle-wise. It is exercising social fitness — nurturing close connections — with family and friends that leads to happiness and bodymind health. Good relationships are a brain and mood booster, as well as a potent factor in living a long life. Loneliness is a sad and silent killer.

The number of social connections a person has is not the important ingredient – it is the pearl of high-quality relating that makes a difference. Your social fitness applies to all kinds of relationships, including relatives, romantic partnerships, friendships, coworker connections, memberships in groups, sports bonding, book clubs and committees. There is no timeline for strengthening current relationships or starting new ones. Begin today!

There are 8 billion of us that share our planet. Our collective social fitness seems a bit wayward at this moment. What social fitness skills might we master in 2023?

Let’s steady ourselves, improve our relationships, and get this planet we call home in an upright position.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

149. What defines a high-quality relationship in your life?

150. How might you stretch your relating to include more high-quality relating?    

An underwater volcano, Home Reef, sprouted into a baby island in the Pacific Ocean close to Tonga in September 2022. It grew from 1 acre to more than 8 acres and is 50 feet above sea level. What else grows so robustly?

Actually, more than 80% of Earth’s landmass has volcanic origins from billions of years ago. Most islands have volcano parents. The remaining non-volcanic islands are the result of tectonic plates shifting and lifting up ocean flooring above the water’s surface.   

The relatively newcomer Hawaiian Islands were babies from volcanoes just 5-7 million years ago. Experts suggest that Hawaii’s first people were Polynesian and arrived around 400 AD. Prior to the existence of this human paradise, 30+ bird species – now extinct – vacationed and settled on the islands. Smithsonian researchers, husband-and-wife team Storrs Olson and Helen Smith, crawled through lava tubes to discover the bird bones of these species. It is a mystery that many were flightless!  

Currently, Kilauea and Mauna Loa volcanoes on the big island of Hawaii had unusual tandem eruptions in November 2022. The hot volcanoes pushed molten energy around like a commanding officer ordering troops to deploy in several directions. Volcanic eruptions are not exactly predictable. Who knows what trouble will bubble up next?

My family holiday plans included a trip to Hawaii where my nephew lives. While I was visiting the Lava Land Island, I chose not to witness molten flows firsthand, preferring to discover volcanic mysteries in the safety of the Bishop Museum exhibit on the island of Oahu. I learned that large plumes of hot lava cool as they fire skyward, hardening during their energetic flight. This spectacle of nature spurts volcanic rocks, referred to as volcano “bombs,” helter-skelter.

The peaceful small town of Haleiwa on Oahu offered another amazing ocean feature – thundering, gigantic waves. I watched intrepid surfers often take flight! With dazzling courage, surfers size up the next wave to “catch.” Watching an International Open surfing contest was both thrilling and frightening at the same time, perhaps like the experience of lava chasers on the big island.

Meanwhile, other people prefer flightless water skills in 7-person long canoes, kayaks, or paddleboards.

Thrills and frights — both are present as we set sail on a new year. What are the ways we might paddle together on our blue boat planet which is challenged by global warming and a variety of (wo)man-made risks? Here are a few ideas:

• Leadership is key. I watched parents tenderly teach children how to stand up on a paddleboard.
• Solo or group action takes a few guidelines.
• New skill development involves much practice to paddle effectively.

A native Hawaiian adds this advice: “See oceans not as obstacles, but as pathways, connectors, connecting us with others, our ‘cousins’…here is where to begin.’”

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

147. What newness do you want for yourself and your planet this year?

148. How do you resolve (intend) to make it happen?

Are you a sunset watcher? My parents were sunset devotees. I have sunset appreciation in my DNA. I’ve been privileged to observe the elusive green flash just as the setting sun slides silently beyond the visualized horizon. The latest plume of special coloring happened with my children on Winter Solstice. With an ocean-wave symphony in the background, we were treated to nature’s special effects along Hawaii’s Kona Coast. Capturing a photo of this momentary green gem is rare.   

Several conditions coincide to create this refraction phenomenon of sun rays:

• Pollution is absent.
• The sky is cloudless at the horizon.
• The horizon is in clear view.

While a green flash is the “usual” burst of unusual sunset coloring, sometimes the color is vivid blue. It is possible to see a green or blue flash in sunrises, but it occurs just as sunshine pokes above the observed horizon. The atmosphere functions like a kaleidoscope prism and separates light into colors.

Light is like a special friend. We savor it. When one’s days approach the shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere, winter comments frequently reference the importance of reaching Solstice and moving into longer daytime hours.

Consider the importance of light in treasured holidays at this time of year. Diwali, India’s most important holiday (celebrated in November), is called a festival of lights. The 5-day holiday is named after a row (avali) of clay lamps (deepa) placed outside Indian homes to symbolize an inner light or spiritual awakening within people. Originally a Hindu tradition, today the national holiday is celebrated by Jain, Sikh, and Buddhist communities also.

The Hanukkah story celebrates the light lasting day after day even when there was not enough oil in the menorah or candelabrum. When families light each candle for 8 days, they may say a blessing to give thanks for miracles, including the capacity to love and the blessing of receiving love. Kwanzaa, a secular African American celebration of ancestral roots (December 26-January 1^st), also has candle lighting significance — 7 candles celebrate unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith.

The light in the Christmas story includes wise men (or early astronomers) who were avid sky-watchers. These magi (often referred to as kings), may have come from different countries. A later story gave their origins as Persia, India, and Arabia. They followed light of a specific star (or planet) to locate Bethlehem where they found the newly born Jesus. Each wise person brought a gift; gold, frankincense and myrrh were offered to the humble family. The very bright star was a prophecy that held religious significance as delivering hope to the world.

These shared themes of light and hopeful purpose have meaning today. Let’s teach school children about the similarities of treasured holiday (holy-day) traditions. Sunsets, sunrises, and the special effects of nature’s light are meant for everyone.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

145. What does winter mean to you?

146. When do you experience the gift of “light” in your life?

A long-time friend visited last weekend. She told how she took her inherited pearls for an appraisal. Upon opening their container, the precious pearls let loose; now unstrung, they tumbled down helter-skelter like falling leaves in a storm. Do you have any restringing projects in your legacy from your family tree?

All of us inherit certain legacies from our ancestors. They may be blessings and/or burdens. Some individuals inherit the blessing of a musical talent from a parent or grandparent. Others pick up pieces of ancestor legacies as burdensome trauma. Unsettling family stories often are not shared with children to “protect” them when they are young; it is only in later years that relatives or family friends might reveal tumultuous events in the family.

One example is Israeli-born musical composer Oteri Chaya Czernowin: “Growing up in Israel one is so imprinted with the identity of nationality and being a Jew…when I went with my father to a wedding, everybody said, ‘She looks just like your sister,’ who was murdered in the Holocaust. When you’re born with such a weight, it’s very natural that when you get to adolescence the last thing you want to hear about is nationality, origin, or anything connected to that. You just want to be a person, an ahistoric individual who believes in individuality…it took me a long time to reconnect and to assume the weight of my origin and nationality and get into a more aware dialog with it.”

The effects of traumatic stress can fall onto subsequent generations even when youth from these later generations are not exposed directly to any trauma. Psychiatrist Daniel Amen describes the transmission: “Through a process called epigenetics, you can inherit your ancestor’s fears, worries, or even prejudices without ever being aware of it. The [inheritance]…is written in your genetic code.” Some individuals experience strong reactions at the same age as a relative who experienced the original trauma.

Author Mark Wolynn (It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle) describes how a shared family tree has poignant inherited history. He describes a young man who awakened in the middle of a night just after his 19^th birthday with physical feelings of freezing and shivering. He was unable to deal with his ensuing insomnia every night until he learned about a tragic family story. His mother revealed that his uncle, a person unknown to him, froze to death at age 19 when working on power lines in a storm in Canada’s Northwest Territories. The family never spoke the uncle’s name after the unfortunate death.

The holiday season may present you with the gift of being with relatives. Perhaps you can ask some questions about relatives that you never knew. You may string together some new understandings about yourself.    

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz:

143. Who is the storyteller in your family?

144. Have you ever thought what your life would be like if you had________________?

“The source of all wakefulness, the source of all kindness and compassion, the source of all wisdom, is in each second of time. Anything that has us looking ahead is missing the point.” This poignant reminder to live in the present moment was offered by bell hooks.

This poet’s pen name included ditching capital letters; it was the name of her maternal great-grandmother who was cherished as a woman “with a snappy and bold tongue.” Born as Gloria Jean Watkins (1952-2021), bell hooks began writing poetry in childhood. She held nature as sacred, referring to her beloved Kentucky hills as a territory of “magic and possibility.”

While hooks suffered through segregation/desegregation wounding, she sized up women: “…American women, without exception, are socialized to be racist, classist and sexist, in varying degrees, and that labeling ourselves feminists does not change the fact that we must consciously work to rid ourselves of the legacy of negative socialization.” Her first major work, Ain’t I a Woman? Black Women and Feminism, was written while she was an undergraduate at Stanford. She was the only black student from Kentucky; the white students from Kentucky did not socialize with her. While her manifesto was not published until 1981, it was later named as one of the 20 most influential women’s books in the previous 20 years.

Many individuals, including women, misinterpret feminism. The word simply means “a belief and advocacy of political, economic, and social equality of the sexes” (Merriam-Webster definition). Feminism considers that ALL individuals have equal rights — which is the unalienable-rights promise of the U.S., by the way. But feminism raises the hackles of some; perhaps we need a substitute word. Equality is the obvious choice, but our present culture keeps sidestepping equality. How about two words — human rights?

In her book, Belonging: A Culture of Place, hooks writes this soulful preface: “We want to know whether it is possible to live on the earth peacefully. Is it possible to sustain life…[when today’s world] creates a wilderness of spirit?” She finally returned to live in her Kentucky hills, considering that it was a fitting place for her legacy work and eventually, her ashes spread as seeds.           

As a capstone to her many writings, hooks founded the bell hooks center at Berea College in Kentucky as a place to provide sanctuary and support for underrepresented students (including black and brown, femme, queer, and Appalachian individuals). While hooks told an interviewer in 2017 that she had been celibate for 17 years, I’m guessing that she would have been pleased with the equality involved when Congress recently passed the Respect for Marriage Act.

Another equality possibility that hooks might have endorsed is Braven, an organization to empower young students to find economic mobility and stability. Join me in becoming a Braven mentor in 2023. Check out bebraven.org/getinvolved.   

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz:

141. What is your definition of feminism?

142. When do you endorse equality for ALL in your daily life?   

Pearls help a person look well dressed. Think of all of the photographed pearl-wearing First Ladies of the U.S. — and now our first woman Vice President, Kamala Harris, shares her lovely pearls everyday (see United by Pearls, 8-30-21). Go ahead and wear real or faux pearls. The First Ladies wore both kinds! You do not need any selfies to know you look good.

More importantly, let’s also exhibit the pearls of wisdom and generosity. Again, no photos are necessary. As First Lady Barbara Bush advised in her book, Pearls of Wisdom: “In all honesty you really only have two choices: You can like what you do OR you can dislike it. I choose to like it…We can always find people who are worse off, and we don’t have to look far! Help them….” 

It turns out that generous helpers do not just “look good,” but find life-enhancing benefits for themselves. And helping behaviors generally increase after middle-age. Research involving 103 participants (ages 18-99) — who saw a video about a young boy with cancer — experienced mood-enhancing satisfaction when they made donations to a charity. Following the video each person was given an option to donate to the cancer charity listed in the film. Researchers compared oxytocin hormone levels in participants’ blood before and after the poignant film with the optional generosity action. Those releasing the most oxytocin tended to be older and were those most likely to make a donation.

Paul Zak, one of the researchers and director of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies at Claremont Graduate University in California, was enthusiastic: “What was surprising…was the strength of the relationship between doing good acts and releasing more oxytocin. It is so strong in older people; it’s really one of the most ‘wow’ and bullet-proof (results) I’ve seen in 20 years of being in the lab.”  

While oxytocin is associated with reproduction, breast-feeding, and what social psychologist Shelley Taylor (University of California, Los Angeles) calls the tend-and-befriend stress response in women, oxytocin is also present in men and is associated with altruism, charity, generosity, and trust.

Zak discovered in other research that when a person is intentionally trusted, the brain produces oxytocin, even when a stranger is involved. Oxytocin has a positive effect upon relationships, as wariness is reduced, and others’ emotions seem more understandable.

When applied to the workplace, Zak finds that understanding your work team’s purpose and trusting your team members are the two key ingredients for success. The more trust one experiences with others, the more oxytocin is released in the brain. In a fascinating study, when synthetic oxytocin was safely infused into participants, they demonstrated self-sacrifice to help others — even people who were different from them.      

Could Congress participate in this research and receive some synthetic oxytocin?

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz:

139. What do you notice in your bodymind when you tend-and-befriend another person?

140. When might you extend your trust level with someone you do not know well?

Some words are worth repeating. Words from my first blog (7-21-21) are a daily reminder for me: “…explore how to string pearls of peace wherever you find yourself on your life’s odyssey.”

Some days it is difficult to find wisdom pearls, as in digesting brutal news of mass shootings last week.

Some Thanksgiving tables were missing family members.

Sometimes there are few words, but lots of emotion that simmers on the back burner. What is broken in America? While gun safety is not the whole solution to what ails our country, there are too many guns available that are not intended for the hunters among us. Do you know anyone who went hunting for their Thanksgiving turkey? Hunting your work team as they arrive for their shift and killing them is heartbreaking.

However, we have many shattering topics for self-correction. We might start with telling the “real” Thanksgiving story. Yes, the Pilgrims fled their homeland to settle in North America to escape religious persecution. The rest of the Thanks-taking story needs airing.   

Matika Wilbur (Swinomish and Tulalip tribes) and Adrienne Keene (Cherokee Nation) made a documentary to reveal the backstory of Wampanoag-Pilgrim encounters. The Wampanoag tribe was uneasy with the Pilgrims, as they had experienced white colonization with previous newcomers who stole their food and supplies. Another detail not covered in my children’s schooling about Thanks-giving, Tisquantum, (also called Squanto) who served as interpreter and go-between, was English-speaking due to being kidnapped by European settlers and held as a slave previously.

Professor of Colonial American and American Racial History at George Washington University, David Silverman uncovers other unbecoming facts in his book, This Land is Their Land: The Wampanoag Indians, Plymouth Colony, and the Troubled History of Thanksgiving. Initially our beloved holiday was a Puritan practice of two holy days or fasting days of praying. The mythical “first” Thanksgiving of 1621 has been a sugar-coated origin story fed to school children. The actions of New Englander Thanksgiving involved church attendance, not marathon eating followed by marathon Christmas shopping.   

The Wampanoag people thought their relationship with the Pilgrims might prove helpful in dealing with their rival, the Narragansetts; instead, many lives were lost in the colonization of our country. Today the Wampanoag people consider the arrival of Pilgrim settlers as a day of mourning.

November is Native American Heritage Month (established by the U.S. Congress in 1990). We must find more visible ways of honoring indigenous people who loved this land first. Let’s begin by teaching true history to schoolchildren.

Also, let’s join with groups like Moms Demand Action (established in 2012) to protect people from gun violence. There is a local event on December 14^th (10-year anniversary of Sandy Hook tragedy). Consider the 600+ mass shootings since January, 2022. Atrocities against innocent people continue to shatter families.   

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz:

137. What did the Thanksgiving weekend mean to you this year?

138. How might people learn to settle differences using words, not weapons?  

Advice for stressed people: “Make a rule — if someone asks you to do something 2 months in the future, just ask yourself, ‘If it was today, could I make it happen?’ And if your answer is NO, then you should also say NO to the thing that is 2 months away.” Professor of Psychology and Public Policy at Princeton, Eldar Shafir, gave this advice, but when asked if he followed his own rule, he said, “I never follow it.”

How much of the time do we give advice to others when we do not follow our advice ourselves?

We all paddle from a seat in the stress boat at times. According to an American Psychological Association (APA) poll, many Americans struggle with multiple external stressors that are out of their personal control. The 2022 Stress in America survey found 27% of adults (ages 18+) reporting feeling so stressed that they cannot function most days.

Issues vying for top stressor cited:

• Inflation (83%)
• Violence & crime (75%)
• Current political climate (66%)  — with 38% reporting that the state of the nation may lead them to move to a different country 
• Personal rights under attack (64%)
• Current racial climate (62%)

Regarding the pandemic, 63% reported that their lives have been “forever changed.” Extensive loss issues (the death of loved ones and/or loss of one’s job or business) coupled with financial stress rocked a boatload of families. The harshest realities capsized those between ages 18-43, parents, and Latino and Black individuals. Over half of the participants reported experiencing strains on relationships or ending relationships. Differences of opinion over vaccines and mask-wearing became overboard issues.

APA’s executive officer, Arthur C. Evans, Jr. gives advice: “Focusing on accomplishing goals that are in our control can help prevent our minds from getting overwhelmed by the many uncertainties in life. From using our breathing to slow racing thoughts, to intentionally limiting our social media consumption, or exercising our right to vote, action can be extremely empowering.” 

Many Americans did vote in the recent mid-term elections (when the usual turnout for midterm voting is abysmally low). Whether voting made a difference in stress levels may depend upon whether your preferred candidates won. However, Evans’s advice is sound.

When we TAKE ACTIONS that are positive (and voting in a democracy is certainly a positive action), we are less stressed. But as the saying goes, Rome was not built in a day. Rarely, is taking ONE action sufficient to reduce one’s stress cargo. What about contacting your elected politicians regularly to let them know your views on climate change for the 8 billion of us tipping our planet’s boat?

Oops! I confess that I do contact my elected officials, but not on a regular basis. See how easy it is to give advice, but then not follow through yourself?

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz:

135. Were there losses in your personal life in the pandemic?

136. What are actions that you might take to reduce your personal stress?