Jan’s Blog Posts

People are not only stingy with their money; they are stingy with their love. And as surprising as this may seem, people are stingy with love for themselves! While there is debate about how many days it takes for a person to make a change in behavior, physician Christiane Northrup recommends that you practice an affirmation for 21 straight days to jump-start a change. And she recommends sweet-talk: “…beloved, please change me into someone who loves myself fully.”

Your words will take a different tone but edit your words if you find you are swearing at yourself! It depends upon each person, but research on health-related changes found that it took an average of 66 days to set a new habit; some individuals needed more days! If your chosen behavior change is linked to some passion, you have a better chance for success. Also, when in the midst of a pandemic, you may find that you have new changes in how you view time.

Unfolding habitual thinking and behavior is challenging because it takes time. Remember, it takes a pearl time to fully form. You can change parts of your personality that you know you can no longer live with easily. Novelist James Baldwin observed: “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without but that we know we cannot live within.”

The pandemic has unmasked certain behaviors in us while also requiring that we physically mask up to be with other people, especially in any interior spaces. In my survey of retired and semi-retired folks about how they coped with the pandemic, there was a range of responses. Here is how one 71-year-old man (retired 7 years and currently volunteering 8 hours each week) responded to my question about how he spent time in 2020-2021: “I actually had more contact with out-of-town relatives since I started using Zoom…I learned that I can still adapt at age 71!”

Greek philosopher Aristotle is attributed with this action line-up: “All human actions have one or more of these 7 causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire.” Do not leave your actions up to chance. And put a little love into your actions!

Pearls of Peace (PoP) quiz:

6. How has the pandemic affected any of your behavior changes in the past year and a half?

7. What behavior change would you like to make happen next?                                 

Birthdays have an effect on us, in one way or another. Some look forward to their birthday and some not so much. It can be a time to “take stock,” or assess your situation in life and rewire your personality for further growth. Quieting the mind with reflection helps our personality part that “runs things” to take a needed break (this part is called ego by some, but you can name it anything you want). When we stop our nearly constant mind chat, even for a brief time, we can encounter inner peace.

When such mindfulness happens, we may allow snippets of our personalities we may have pushed away–or exiled from awareness—to show us emotions, thoughts, and sensations that need airing. We can ask ourselves questions that take us to a Plan B, Plan C, or even a Plan Z. Taking time to listen, really listen, to our taking-stock times is healing. New wisdom can develop from old memories. It is possible to restring or rewire old thoughts that have weighed heavily on our minds.

Traumatic memories often hold burdens, both our own and sometimes the burdens we carry for relatives or others. This reminds me of the cone-shaped “burden basket” found in the caves of the Anasazi Canyon de Chelly in Arizona. The tightly coiled basket was worn like a backpack with an additional strap to wrap across one’s forehead to steady a heavy load. I wonder how often the carriers of such burden baskets had headaches. Internal burden-carrying can bring on psychic headaches.

Today is my mother’s 99^th birthday. I asked her if she was carrying any burdens from long ago. Mom told me that her father had admonished her to NOT marry my father, but she said to her dad that was exactly what she was going to do! She is happy with her marriage decision, however disagreeing with elders was burdensome. In one of her many pearls of wisdom today, Mom emphasized the importance of questioning. She focused on the word, quest. A song she has referenced for many years has a line with “glorious quest” in it. If you are curious, check out The Impossible Dream lyrics.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

6. Even if today is not your birthday, “take stock” of your personality.

7. Are there any burdensome thoughts and emotions lurking in stories you hold onto? 

STOP. Embrace 3 L’s – LOOK, LISTEN, and LOVE. Do you stop completely at a stop sign or are you a rolling-stop kind of person? Many of us adopt the rolling-stop at intersections unless we see a police car near-by. It may be an indication of how we live our lives. What’s next? I can’t wait to ______! We are so eager to “be there,” wherever that may be. What about being HERE?

Do you STOP at the intersection of one thought before going into the next thought? Often, I do not make even a rolling-stop between thoughts. What does it take to come to a full STOP in your mind? I find that a 20-minute meditation practice is helpful, but not foolproof. How do you practice stopping your mind chat for inner peace?                                                                                           

What is important is that you find ways to LOOK. Look in both directions. Look at negative chat and positive chat. Look with curiosity. Look without judgment. Look with flexibility. Look at THIS MOMENT and listen. What? What is there to listen to in “this moment?”  

LISTEN for your breath to slow down. Listen to your in-breath. Listen for your out-breath. After listening to your body, listen to your inner thoughts. Listen to what you tell yourself in the intersections of your driving. Listen to what you tell yourself in intersections of your thinking. Recognize that you can experience space between busy thoughts. Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl is attributed with the wise saying: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” That space is a “pearl” of peace – a calm and compassionate state of being. Generations of people have labeled such spaciousness with many names.

LOVE. What? That’s part of stopping at a frigging stop sign? Yes! Love how you have the freedom to drive yourself somewhere. Love how the intersection STOP sign is for your safety and the safety of others. Love this moment of time. Take time to watch a butterfly. Love how you have constant intersections between thoughts. Love how consciousness of your many thoughts is a possibility. Too often we are not aware of our own thinking patterns and how they attach to traumas we experienced in the past.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) quiz:

4.What are the times that you recognize the spaciousness of calmness and compassion?

5. Do you have a name for such a state of being?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Pop bead “pearls” have flexibility as they can be pulled apart to make new combinations of beads. Sometimes people lose any sense of flexibility. They struggle to make new configurations in their personalities. There are no easy developmental paths. Most of us have tripped up, slipped up or even flipped upside-down when we encountered irritants along life’s journey. In the teen years, as a parent, and in retirement we grapple with the perennial question, “Who am I, really?” There is no one answer, as we play many parts or roles in our personality through the decades. Shakespeare’s As You Like It called the world a “stage” and told of each person “playing” many parts. Pop beads offer play, but adults may forget they have playful parts in their personalities. Remember, you are writing your own script.

People used to think of personality as set like plaster at age 30, but the reality is that personalities have plasticity like pop beads! You can make personality changes! The “Big Five” traits of personality in research–conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism (a pessimistic attitude characterized by anger, anxiety, and/or depression), openness, and extraversion–are open to shifts for inner peace in adulthood.

How might pearls relate to peace? Born from adversity, pearls have something in common with peace. We marvel at the luster and simple beauty of a natural pearl without considering its fragile beginnings. Similarly, we admire peace–within ourselves, in our families and community, nation and planet–often with little appreciation of the struggles involved along the way before peacefulness could shine through.

It can take centuries to create peace within a nation. It may take decades to form some semblance of inner peace in your personality. Start creating more inner peace within yourself today. It is a possibility. Pop a pearl of peace into your thinking today.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

2. What have been irritants in your life?                                                                                                                 3. Did you grow wiser in any way because of some “irritant”? If so, in what way(s)?  

To read more about Jan and her books, please visit Janis Johnston’s website.

We will be pearl farmers in this blog, pearls-of-peace farmers. I read online directions for how to “farm pearls” at home: “Place a small bead made from another oyster’s shell into the reproductive organ (if you can find it).” Hmm…this is getting interesting. “Place a piece of another oyster’s mantle (the organ which makes the shell) with the bead…close the oyster, put it back in water, and wait for 2-3 years.” This pearl-raising makes waiting 9 months for a baby sound less daunting. However, some pearls fail to form in their parent shell and some babies fail to thrive. Miscarriage and other baby traumas are more common than most people realize.  

At a further point along personal odysseys, some individuals cannot wait for their retirement. Then they arrive “there” and do not find the peace of mind that was imagined. Successful pearl farming may appear to be an easy way to make a living, but it is a long-term investment. A successful retirement also is a long-term investment of time and money for a quality outcome. More importantly, I believe that a quality retirement experience requires one to rewire their personality and ability skillset in this important developmental stage of living. Regardless of your present age, what parts of your personality might benefit from rewiring?

The word rewire has meanings for both electricity and psychology. Rewiring refers to replacing faulty electrical wiring when thinking of electrical work. Psychologically, rewiring is a personality self-reorganization to provide a greater sense of purpose and meaning. Like pearls strung together for a necklace, you have various parts of your personality strung together. Is it time to restring or rewire?

Pearls of Peace—PoP quiz:

1. What is your association to pearls?  

My first pearls were a gift from my mother-in-law. She gave me her mother’s pearls. Legacy pearls are a metaphor for ancestor importance.    

To read more about Jan and her books, please visit Janis Johnston’s website.                    

Pearls have a trauma ancestry. Their family of origin story begins in marine oyster or freshwater mussel shells. Pearl conception occurs as a natural defense against an intruder. An irritant–such as a parasite–enters the innocent “parent” oyster or mussel between the mantle (or muscle) and the shell. The protective mantle gets busy, laying a fluid on top of the irritant. This layering substance, called nacre or mother of pearl, raises a pearl to adulthood. Jewelry is a pearl’s final or retirement developmental stage.  

You may have a trauma history as well. Whether you experienced big-T trauma, or a series of little-t traumas in your life, your personality also acts as a defender like the pearl’s story. Most of us experience traumatic intrusions in our lives. Our bodily and/or mind integrity becomes threatened. It is natural to want to protect yourself. Only sometimes you place so many limits onto yourself in protector-mode that you cannot use your full potential. You can find little peace.

Pearls are diverse. They form in various shapes and sizes, not just in the familiar round shape. Pearls, like people, come in a variety of colors. Black pearls get their color from their oyster’s nacre. Natural pink and lavender pearls come from freshwater pearl mussels. Pearl farming does not kill the parent shell. Pearl farmers maintain a sustainable practice by being careful in handling the parent shells. As oysters age, they typically birth better pearls than first-generation pearls.

Pearls seem to need attention. If a pearl necklace is locked away, over time the pearls lose their sheen and become dull. While pearls are categorized as a gemstone, pearls are unique in claiming the only gem status to form within a living creature! Unique among diamonds and other gemstones, pearls require no cutting or polishing before use. Pearls are precious.

Pearls represent a fresh start. Peace in the family, post-grief peace, and retirement peace all benefit from a fresh outlook. In these blog posts, we will explore how to string pearls of peace wherever you find yourself on your life’s odyssey.