Why do “rules of engagement” or ROE have a military definition? The “rules” in ROE refer to guidelines for the ways in which the use of military force is deemed “acceptable.” Often, these rules breakdown in combat with terrifying consequences.

The word engagement simply means “an arrangement to do something or go somewhere at a fixed time.” A popular use of “engagement” refers to a loving agreement to marry another, not wipe them out. However, relationships sometimes are at war. We need rules for engagement.

Psychologist John Gottman’s research on couples can predict a divorce or breakup-in-the-making if the “Four Horsemen” are present – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The #1 piece of advice from the Gottman Institute for sustaining a romantic relationship applies to other relationships too — turn toward (connect with) another’s bids successfully to pay attention; care about even small stuff that another person finds important in the moment. Make bids a practice. If needed, it is OK to prompt someone verbally: “I’m making a bid for attention now.”

We are creatures of belongingness or social connections, but loneliness is on the rise in the U.S. According to the Surgeon General, Dr. Dr. Vivek Murthy, loneliness tops other major health issues in the U.S. In a New York Times guest essay, Murthy reports alarming circumstances with a breakdown of engagement with others: “Loneliness is more than just a bad feeling. When people are socially disconnected, their risk of anxiety and depression increases. So does their risk of heart disease (29%), dementia (50%), and stroke (32%). The increased risk of premature death associated with social disconnection is comparable to smoking daily — and may be even greater than the risk associated with obesity.”       

Playwright Tennessee Williams challenged loneliness (Camino Real): “When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.”

Murthy challenged Americans to a “5-for-5 Connection Challenge” between December 4th-15th.

Step 1 – Commit to connect (by choosing 5 actions and 5 days in a row to connect with people;

Step 2 – Connect each of the 5 days (through choosing an action each day such as expressing gratitude, offering support, or asking for help);

Step 3 – Reflect and share (by first asking yourself, “How did connecting make me feel?” Let others know about your experience and invite them to join the challenge). How did connecting make you feel?  

Here are my reflections after I took up the Surgeon General’s exercise. I enjoy connecting with others, so this “challenge” was not difficult on the surface. I found that offering support is ingrained in my training and experience; it is a natural practice. I do offer gratitude frequently, but I plan to increase this one. Asking for help is not my general practice (except in technology snafus). I found pearls of engagement in Murthy’s challenge. Let’s extend his 5-day challenge for engagement.  

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

247. Where might you need practice in offering gratitude or support?

248. When do you connect with others by asking for help?