Are you aware of how your words land on a listener’s ear? Words can be like poison arrows or love letters. Both your flying-missile words and thoughtful spoken or written words of caring have staying power. They are not taken back easily. Words can boomerang across generations.
Whose words are you speaking on a regular basis? We do not ask ourselves this question, as we may not be aware of the answer. I can recall the stunned look on a client’s face when she admitted that she suddenly caught herself “sounding just like her mother” in a heated exchange with her feisty teenager in my therapy office. Her insight provided an incredible starting place for real change in the parent-child relationship. Admitting that her lashing-out response was not what she had intended, but it just “slipped out,” was a healing moment for broader family dynamics.
Much of the time adults attempt to manage activated parts of their personalities with little recognition that they replicate another’s response patterns. Generations share not only DNA but some embedded ways of speaking to one another. Rage reactions do not “come out of the blue,” but often are solidly anchored in caretaker attachment issues. Early relationships in childhood can set the pace for later attachments.
Neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel suggests that (as early as age 7) children pick up on attachment patterns of adults in their world. Based on the early theory of British psychiatrist John Bowlby and later research by American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth and others, there are four attachment patterns. Here are representative take-away words from each pattern:
- Secure — “People will respect what I say.”
- Avoidant/dismissive – “I did not get what I needed; I don’t need anybody for anything.”
- Anxious/ambivalent – “I don’t know if you are my friend or not.”
- Disorganized – “I can’t regulate my emotions; I fragment. Under stress I can’t think straight.”
Michigan poet Will Carleton cautions: “Boys flying kites haul in their white winged birds; you can’t do that when you’re flying words. ‘Careful with fire,’ is good advice we know. ‘Careful with words,’ is ten times doubly so.”
Dan Siegel believes that parents are capable of creating secure attachments with their children even if they did not receive such caring from their caretakers. The key is being aware of an honest and coherent narrative of one’s own upbringing.
Siegel’s 4 S’s remind us how to foster secure attachments. ALL adults can improve their approach to family life and work life. Employers, heads up!
- S=SAFE – Avoid actions and/or responses that frighten or hurt others.
- S=SEEN – See not only with one’s eyes; perceive another’s mind behind their behavior.
- S=SOOTHED – Assist others with difficult emotions and situations.
- S=SECURE – Help others develop an internalized sense of well-being. https://drdansiegel.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/POSU-Refrigerator-Sheet.pdf
What a different world we would have if parents and employers had secure attachments!
Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz
367. What are your words for making sense of your childhood?
368. How do you view your attachment pattern today?
Pearls of Peace: A Family Psychologist’s Circle-of-Life Blog 