Tag: conflict resolution

Peaceful Couples and Countries

There are peaceful societies in our world. How have they managed to live together in peace with their neighbors? A multidisciplinary group of scholars began gathering in 2014 to find answers. Social entrepreneurs and professors, Peter T. Coleman and Joshua D. Fisher, are part of the Advanced Consortium on Cooperation, Conflict and Complexity, and The Earth Institute at Columbia University. Their Sustaining Peace Project involves psychologists, anthropologists, philosophers, astrophysicists, environmental scientists, political scientists, and communication researchers. Just bringing such diverse disciplines together peacefully orchestrates a model for peace systems.

America currently is tuned into war systems. Globally, military spending is speeding up as more countries encounter violent conflict than in the previous 30 years. Peace systems are “clusters of neighboring societies that do not make war with each other.” For example, none of the 5 Nordic nations have made war inside or outside their borders for over 200 years. Unfortunately, this cannot be said for the U.S.

A possibility roadmap for peace was found by the collaborative scholars. It seems intuitive, but somehow people are not aware of the simple power of peace or how to get “there.” The inclusive work of the Sustaining Peace Project suggests that “sustaining peace can be understood as a high ratio of positive intergroup reciprocity to negative intergroup reciprocity that is stable over time.”

On a micro-level, family systems co-exist peacefully with the same positivity-fueled reciprocity. Marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman study couples intensely. John Gottman began longitudinal work on couples in the 1970’s. Gottman Institute research finds that stable, happy couples have at least a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions, especially necessary in trauma and conflictual situations. Unhappy couples exhibit fewer positive interactions that might counterbalance negative communication. If their positive-to-negative ratio is 1:1 or less, a couple may be headed for break-up. High conflict, unhappy couples in their relationship’s end time engage in what Gottman refers to as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:”

  • Criticism – An attack on one’s partner and their character, not just a complaint comment.
  • Contempt – Disrespect that goes further than criticism; sarcasm or ridicule spews out, denoting a moral superiority over one’s partner.
  • Defensiveness – An excuse-making response to criticism that often includes reversing the blaming.
  • Stonewalling – A response which involves one individual withdrawing, often acting “busy” or engaging in obsessive and/or distracting behaviors.

While peaceful couples and countries have differing ways in which they cultivate peace, there are some commonalities. Peaceful groups have an overarching common identity (a shared national or regional identity that seeks commonalities between ethnic differences). There is focus on positive interconnectedness in terms of economics, ecology, and security. Peaceful societies commemorate successful peacemakers. Public spaces and institutions bring members of different groups together. The single-most critical contributor to peace is identified in non-warring norms, rituals, and values. Peace language and peace leadership call for dialogue and consensus-building.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

466. How might you incorporate more peacefulness in your relationships?

467. What consensus-building success have you ever experienced?  

Anger Remedies

As a long-time student of problem-solving and conflict resolution, I am troubled by the news cycle of raw conflicts in our country. Animosity too often turns to not-so-veiled threats or violent behavior against an imagined “other.” Political individuals report a slew of death threats and in some unbelievable instances, they or their family members have been violently attacked. Anger is palpable from town hall meetings to houses of worship.   

Margaret Cullen, a marriage and family therapist as well as a mindfulness teacher, identifies what is happening when anger’s slippery slope devolves into cruelty and/or violence. She gives a first-person accounting: “When I reflect honestly, I notice that my most volatile reactions are tied to things I hate in myself—places I’ve missed the mark or failed to live up to my own ideals. Outrage becomes a shield, a projection, a way of disowning what is hard to face internally…easier to demonize the other than to wrestle with my own complicity.”  Such truth-telling seems like a place to begin a much-needed remedy to anger.

Cullen’s upcoming book, Quiet Strength: Find Peace, Feel Alive, and Love Boundlessly Through the Power of Equanimity, might be required reading for politicians. As Cullen outlines her approach, an ethical value system is key: “Simply put: Unethical conduct breeds agitation; ethical conduct fosters peace. And agitation is fertile ground for outrage and projection to take root. Throw in some social media and global instability, and you are well on your way to zealotry. Peace is fertile ground for perspective and clarity to grow. Toss in some honest self-reflection and an intention for greater integrity, and you can harness the energy of outrage toward creative solutions and effective engagement.”

Yes, self-reflection, insight, and an awareness of one’s value system are always a good idea, whether the topic is anger or anything else. However, we do not see things clearly much of the time. We experience anger or some other strong emotion and imagine that it is “justified.” We do not recognize that our anger rides shotgun in the front seat of our personality pickup truck as a protector from fear, insecurity, and other tender parts of ourselves. I reflected upon this lack of self-clarity when I looked through a clouded-over glass window in a door in my new home. The murky window blocked my view of roses growing outside this doorway. Once the double-pane failed glass was replaced, roses could be appreciated with clear sightlines.   

I appreciate the metaphor in a Scottish tune, Looking at a Rainbow Through a Dirty Window (by Scottish Uilleann piper and flute player Calum Stewart, arranged for harp by Rachel Hair). Listening to peaceful music, especially with others, is a remedy for what ails. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pyp3p3gRQcQ

Are you looking for rainbows and peaceful, creative solutions these days? I am.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

431. When do you catch yourself projecting your own outrage onto an “other” person?

431. How might we best enhance ethical conduct in groups of people?