Tag: empathy

Men and Well-being

Family therapist Terry Real (yes, his real name) is the founder of Relational Life Therapy. His specialty for 40 years is men. He is the author of 4 books with titles such as I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women. He has a reputation for “saving marriages” when hope for repair has dwindled to a couple’s last-ditch effort. “All relationships are about balance/unbalance/repair, harmony/unharmony/repair.”

Real believes men are depressed “because they are terrible at intimacy.” Furthermore, he considers that the U.S. is a “toxic culture of individualism” which does not include nurturing interpersonal relationships. He offers workshops for working with “grandiose men” who lack empathy for themselves as well as empathy for others.

What is a grandiose behavior? According to Real, a grandiose man is apt to minimize, deflect, blame, and rationalize. His grandiosity, similar to intoxication, greatly impairs his judgment. He often has experienced considerable hurt in his life and manages it through a “retreat to the one-up position…If you’re in the one-down, shame state—which is where most women are, overtly—at least you know it. But one of the insidious things about the flight from shame into grandiosity—which is where many men go—is that it doesn’t feel bad. In fact, it often feels pretty good.”   

Real’s experience is that a grandiose man will only change when his partner “starts walking.” If left unchecked, men’s grandiose behaviors often leave a legacy of crippled functioning to their offspring.

It is difficult being a man today (and difficult being a woman also). Online influencers in the “manosphere” blast misogynistic rhetoric alongside physical fitness tips. Women frequently are blamed for whatever ails a man. This toxic “manosphere” is developed through the interplay of certain chatrooms, websites, vlogs, TikTok channels, and gaming platforms. Cynthis Miller-Idriss, founder of Polarization, Extremism Research & Innovation Lab (PERIL) at American University, and author of Man Up, describes grandiosity in the manosphere as often mixed with anger: “They’re performing outrage, it’s salacious, it feels good, it’s like candy for guys who are angry.”

Consider the 18th century story, Robinson Crusoe by British writer, journalist, and spy, Daniel Defoe (1660-1731). Protagonist Crusoe is shipwrecked on a remote island. A sole survivor, he begins to feel regret (and perhaps develops some self-empathy) for his former choices. He does not have a smart phone to influence his thinking, only a Bible. He develops morality. He becomes grateful for his life. He keeps himself alive for 28 years despite harsh circumstances. He defends prisoners from cannibalism. Two of Defoe’s more famous quotes apply here: “All men would be tyrants if they could,” and more hopeful, “But it is never too late to be wise.”   

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

427. Have you experienced any kind of relationship (as a colleague, family member, or partner) with a grandiose man?

428. How might the U.S. invest in emotional fitness — for everyone?   

Do Tigers Meditate?

Photo by Frida Lannerström on Unsplash [istock]

Cats, large and small, seem to have personalities just like people. Some cats are mostly wild things, while others have a Mother Theresa calming, quiet presence. But all of you cat lovers know how reflective-appearing your kitty can look (some of the time). Does your cat meditate? Do any animals meditate?

Dutch-American primatologist Frans de Waal and Canadian philosopher Evan Thompson have an interesting perspective in “Primates, Monks and the Mind: The Case of Empathy.” https://www.wisebrain.org/papers/EmpathyPrimates.pdf

Thompson admits that he does not know the developmental possibilities for contemplative mental ability in animals, although he made a compelling case for creatures showing “loving-kindness” in mother-offspring compassion witnessed across many species. His view is that it is impossible to study consciousness without addressing the use of empathy.

De Waal cited social relationships in not only primatology, but also in dogs (wolves) and dolphins. How often do dogs “sense” some sensitive emotion (energy) and come closer to announce, “I’m here for you?” The authors affirmed connectivity between animals. I can vouch for this. In my childhood we had two Weimaraner/Labrador dogs – Ike and Mamie. Guess who was President? When Mamie died, Ike never was quite the same animal. He languished. He grieved. Perhaps Ike and Mamie meditated together? They often appeared peaceful together. As brother and sister pups, they always hung out together. Their wolf ancestors hung out in packs so they could hunt big prey for mutual gain.

De Waal made the case that animals rarely kill another in their own species. Biologists argue that trying to kill is simply too dangerous for animals; de Waal proposed that it is mutual dependency that can hold aggression to some limits in animal world. He suggested, “You cannot wipe out groups in which your relatives live because from an evolutionary perspective that’s counterproductive.” Animals do fight with their own kind; in the case of primates, they make up afterward.

Whether we call it meditation or use another description, mammals appear to have times for quiet “reflection.”  Meditation in Primates Studies suggest that chimpanzees and orangutans do engage in meditative-like behaviors. They sit quietly for extended periods of time, open-eyed, and appear to show a relaxed awareness. Whether this is similar to meditation in humans is unresolved. Perhaps future research can determine how animal meditative-like behaviors compare to meditative brain states in humans.

One definition of meditation is the behavior of focusing on one thing, perhaps the breath, to the exclusion of everything else. Researchers find that some dogs and cats appear to show meditative-like behavior more than others. They find a cozy corner and stare into space. Do humans feel more relaxed when they see their kitty relax? Pets do teach humans many things. Perhaps they are mentors of meditation.

The practice for in-the-moment consciousness with empathy seems to escape too many humans. Yes, dear reader, it takes practice.

      Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

391. How often do you practice a meditative-like state?

392. What benefits do you notice when you consciously meditate?