Tag: problem-solving

Attachment in Deeds

“Soft power” in politics, especially in international politics, is the practice of shaping another’s point of view through non-coercive means — as opposed to the “hard power” of coercion.  Political scientist Joseph S. Nye Jr., Professor Emeritus and former Dean of Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, popularized the term in his 1990 book, Bound to Lead: The Changing Nature of American Power.  He further explored his theory in his 2004 book, Soft Power: The Means to Success in World Power. Nye once served as Assistant Secretary of Defense for International Security Affairs in the US. According to Nye, a country’s soft power depends upon 3 important factors in that country:

  • Culture (as attractive to others),
  • Political values (when upheld both at home and abroad), and
  • Foreign policies (when others view them as legitimate as well as possessing moral authority).

I suspect that a leader is far more capable of exercising “soft power” if they possess a secure attachment (See Pearls of Peace blogpost 02-03-25).

On a small scale compared to international political diplomacy, but no less important, let’s understand how one might participate in “soft power.” As I explained in my “Attachment in Words” blog, it is possible to develop a secure attachment even when that is not a caretaker gift offered in earliest childhood.

Let’s consider teddy bear power. I found a teacher example of transforming school discipline into a version of super-soft power. Good teachers mentor in multiple directions. In 2022 New York City middle school teacher Karen Feldman wanted to change the climate among her students. She noticed a rise in hate speech and wanted to take proactive steps. Partnering with Bear Givers, a 501(c)(3) non-profit with a “Leading with Kindness Initiative,” Feldman guided her students in detention in decorating teddy bears to be given to hospitalized children. The students added art and messages on the teddy T-shirts. They attached supportive letters.

The motto of Bear Givers is “Making life more bearable (yes) through giving & receiving.” Feldman grasped the importance of having students focus on others’ plight. School populations catching onto this “soft power” approach now extend to students beyond detention walls. Teddy-bear diplomacy has included groups outside schools, such as Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Confirmation, Sweet Sixteen, and others. Bear Givers has donated over 500,000 bears and 500+ charity events have been sponsored with 100+ partnerships. https://www.beargivers.org/about

Mother Bear Project is an international 501(c)(3) non-profit that gives hand-knit or crocheted bears to children, predominantly orphans and those affected by HIVAIDS in Africa. Mother Bear knitters are individuals from all over the US and the world; both women and men knit — from ages ranging from 6-99! While there is one pattern, each creation is unique and bears (yes) the name of it’s Mother Bear. “Mother Bear” Karen McDowell, a retired teacher, shares her photo of some of her bears awaiting shipment. http://motherbearproject.org/

​Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

369. When have you exercised “soft power”?

370. What are your ideas for “leading with kindness?”    

Attachment in Words

Are you aware of how your words land on a listener’s ear? Words can be like poison arrows or love letters. Both your flying-missile words and thoughtful spoken or written words of caring have staying power. They are not taken back easily. Words can boomerang across generations.

Whose words are you speaking on a regular basis? We do not ask ourselves this question, as we may not be aware of the answer.  I can recall the stunned look on a client’s face when she admitted that she suddenly caught herself “sounding just like her mother” in a heated exchange with her feisty teenager in my therapy office. Her insight provided an incredible starting place for real change in the parent-child relationship. Admitting that her lashing-out response was not what she had intended, but it just “slipped out,” was a healing moment for broader family dynamics.

Much of the time adults attempt to manage activated parts of their personalities with little recognition that they replicate another’s response patterns. Generations share not only DNA but some embedded ways of speaking to one another. Rage reactions do not “come out of the blue,” but often are solidly anchored in caretaker attachment issues. Early relationships in childhood can set the pace for later attachments.

Neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel suggests that (as early as age 7) children pick up on attachment patterns of adults in their world. Based on the early theory of British psychiatrist John Bowlby and later research by American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth and others, there are four attachment patterns. Here are representative take-away words from each pattern:

  • Secure — “People will respect what I say.”
  • Avoidant/dismissive – “I did not get what I needed; I don’t need anybody for anything.”
  • Anxious/ambivalent – “I don’t know if you are my friend or not.”
  • Disorganized – “I can’t regulate my emotions; I fragment. Under stress I can’t think straight.”

Michigan poet Will Carleton cautions: “Boys flying kites haul in their white winged birds; you can’t do that when you’re flying words. ‘Careful with fire,’ is good advice we know. ‘Careful with words,’ is ten times doubly so.”

Dan Siegel believes that parents are capable of creating secure attachments with their children even if they did not receive such caring from their caretakers. The key is being aware of an honest and coherent narrative of one’s own upbringing.

Siegel’s 4 S’s remind us how to foster secure attachments. ALL adults can improve their approach to family life and work life. Employers, heads up!

What a different world we would have if parents and employers had secure attachments!

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

367. What are your words for making sense of your childhood?

368. How do you view your attachment pattern today?     

Broaden-and-build Purls and Pearls

I cannot give away my grandmother’s crochet hook…yes, this is a scarcity mindset at work (see Pearls of Peace, 1-13-25). I am hooked on warm memories of my childhood hours in my grandparents’ home. I recall many hours that Grandma sat in her rocker, wearing her hand-sewn apron and dress, making one doily after another to gift the many females in her family and friend network. I never learned knit-and-purl stitches, but I watched with fascination as Grandma created with her crochet hook, building one stitch upon the next to broaden her handiwork. Handmade gift-giving was on her unofficial resume.  

Psychologist Barbara Frederickson created her broaden-and-build theory when she realized that there was a greater amount of research on negative emotions than positive emotions. For every positive emotion, there appear to be 3 negative ones! The reason for this disparity is that negative emotions are linked to our survival in big and small ways.

The broaden-and-build theory emphasizes that the expression of positive emotions can expand one’s repertoire of psychological, social, cognitive, and physical resources. Positiveness improves one’s resilience. It may help one’s coping skills. This approach is not meant to erase negative emotions but instead allows for the co-existence of both kinds of emotions.

A negative emotion is a protective signal that something does not “feel right.” When such emotions are brushed off, sometimes there could be dire consequences. The bodymind is a listening machine, always on lookout to protect one from physical and/or psychological harm. The idea with broaden-and-build theory is to make space for ALL emotions.

Expressing frustration in a trusted relationship is often necessary before gaining access to a more centered space where one can choose a positive action. The key is having an awareness of your positive emotions so that you can repair touchy situations. Building upon a growth mindset reminds one that others roll with negative emotions also.    

Here is a list of positive emotions that you can broaden-and-build for more resiliency. You probably do not need a list of negative emotions, as they seem ever-ready for action. However, you may miss out on positivity time if you do not have these positives tucked in your pocket for ready use:  

  • Admiration  
  • Affection
  • Altruism
  • Amusement
  • Anticipation
  • Awe
  • Cheerfulness
  • Confidence
  • Enjoyment
  • Enthusiasm
  • Euphoria
  • Gratitude
  • Happiness
  • Hope
  • Inspiration
  • Interest
  • Joy
  • Love
  • Optimism
  • Pride
  • Relief
  • Serenity
  • Surprise

Best of all, positive emotions are keep-on-giving gifts. I took interest in “crewel” (Welsh word for wool) embroidery when I was in graduate school dealing with a dissertation committee at odds with one another. I needed to broaden my outlook to create something that was positive, one stitch after another, for my own well-being. I realized that one situation is not destiny. Looking back on Grandma’s knit-and-purl self-therapy, I wonder what she was working through in her mind.  

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

361. When have you used an art form to increase your positive coping skills?  

362. How often do you catch yourself with an initial negative emotion in situations?

Big-picture Peace

Under the Wave off Kanagawa, Katsushika Hokusai (1769-1849)

The United Nations International Day of Peace, annually set for September 21st, has a request: a 24-hour ceasefire of all hostilities on the planet. This year’s theme, “Cultivating a Culture of Peace,” calls for teaching the values of dialogue (see blog, “Mend Differences through Dialogue,” 8-19-24) and mutual respect to the 1.2 billion youth worldwide. Have we given up on adults knowing how to use dialogue and mutual respect in resolving conflicts?

It seems that adult problem-solving efforts to create peace on earth are like the tiny boats facing the looming giant wave in Katsushika Hokusai’s color woodblock print, Under the Wave off  Kanagawa. I must admit that the first time I saw this captivating image in Chicago’s Art Institute years ago, I was so focused on the wave action that initially I did not see the boats! Due to being on paper, the print is only on view for 3-4 months every 5 years. This original gem has re-surfaced from protective storage and again is on display (September 5, 2024–January 6, 2025) in the Art Institute’s Ando Gallery, my favorite room in the entire museum. This time, I knew to look for the boats. What if we are looking for world peace in all the wrong places?

Most museum visitors never see the Tadao Ando Gallery, or Gallery 109, as it sits in an innermost corner of the Art Institute’s Japanese collections. It is a compact space compared to many roomy galleries in other sections of the museum. Also, it is one of the few darkened spaces.

Ando was a self-taught architect. His haunting 16 free-standing wood columns in the womb-like environment compel one to slow down, take deeper breaths, and realize that this is a bodymind immersion into a different sense of time and space. Walking through the “forest” of oak pillars creates an atmosphere of peaceful reverence; the message is to refocus your gaze and get ready to look for what is beyond this “forest” grove.

We have English writer John Heywood to thank for his catchy proverb from 1546: “Can’t see the forest for the trees.” It seems to apply to many situations today, but especially to country leaders who lack the capacity to grasp the disastrous consequences of continuing wars. While dwelling solely on certain details, the big picture is often far from sightlines. Combating inequality, advocating for human rights, and championing climate actions for our planet are factors that lie beyond the immediate details of our international conflicts.

Re-look at Hokusai’s masterpiece. Mount Fuji holds still beyond the crashing wave. Again, we almost miss seeing beyond first details. This mountain is considered a spiritual place. How might we look for big-picture peace and create an interfaith spiritual culture for world dialogues? Isn’t peace first within a baby’s heart?

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz 

327. When have you caught yourself missing some big-picture viewpoint?

328. How often do you refocus your gaze in looking for solutions to your personal sense of peace? 

Mend Differences through Dialogue

Egyptian Stela, Middle Kingdom, about 1870-1770 BCE

Interpretations of ancient Egyptian art are fascinating. According to the hieroglyphs on the above stela (a commemorative monument), scholars find that a son and his mother (Amenemhat and Yatu) are depicted with objects they might use in the afterlife. Along with clothing and food supplies (bread and beer), there is a cosmetic container under Yatu’s chair (a red and white container of “ointment”). One scholar refers to a blue jar under Amenemhat’s chair as eye paint (kohl); a second opinion labels this a “beer jar with a drinking straw.” Take your pick.   

Four horizontal lines of hieroglyph text offer a prayer: “A royal offering of Osiris, Lord of ‘Life of the Two Lands.’ May he give a mortuary offering of bread and beer, oxen and geese, linen, clothing, every good and pure thing whereon [the god] lives, for the ka [soul] of the guardsman Amenemhat, deceased, born of Yatu, deceased, and for the ka [soul] of his mother, his beloved, Yatu, deceased, born of Tita, deceased.”

Ever curious, I offer questions: Why is guardsman Amenemhat depicted with his mother, Yatu? What did he guard? Why is no father named in the stela story? Did the mother/son duo die at the same time? Was there a plague or war? Or was this gravestone initiated when a mother was dying and the two family members shared a final dialogue?

The definition of “dialogue” is a conversation between two or more individuals where discussion leads to resolving an issue or problem.

Too many families do not dialogue about important stuff. As psychiatrist Murray Bowen points out, “The person who runs away from his family of origin is as emotionally dependent as the one who never leaves home. They both need emotional closeness, but they are allergic to it.”

Too many countries do not dialogue about their differences and subsequently devolve into war. Are people allergic to problem-solving dialogues? Or do they lack the training to have dialogues?

It takes compassion to have a dialogue. I wrote about this in Transforming Retirement: Rewire and Grow Your Legacy: “Relating well with compassion for others takes the consciousness of the fittest. The most useful compassion description I have found is from Austrian Jewish philosopher Martin Buber. He differentiated I-Thou relating, or accepting the other person as sacred, from I-It relating where people treat others more as objects useful for one’s benefit. In I-Thou relationships there is a genuine dialogue where you discuss issues with another with your whole being. Such conscious relating can remove arbitrary boundaries between individuals. If both partners in a relationship believe in I-Thou dialoguing, they stop themselves from projecting their own painful stories onto the other.”

We might use Buber’s dialogue messaging to mend differences and negotiate an end to stuff — like barbaric wars.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz 

317. When have you dialogued successfully to resolve some tricky issue?

318. When in your life has dialogue broken down so that it seemed impossible to have individuals listen to one another?