Tag: relationships

Holiday Relationships & Wellness

In a spider web, everything is connected. Everything you do is connected to others. No one can do everything alone. Celebrating holidays is best when celebrating in healthy ways with others!

Blackfoot scholar Dr. Leroy Little Bear looks at the big picture and captures everything: “Existence is a web of relationships. What you do to the land, to the animals, to the water, you do to yourself.”

Little Bear tells about dreaming that he was a bubble. His wife also was a bubble. He joined their bubbles. Half awake, he asked if his dream was real; the joined-bubble dream appeared a second time. When Little Bear shared his dream with his wife, she gave this interconnected interpretation: “I know what you are thinking…if we spread this among relatives, things will happen. Everybody is of one mind.”

As we roll through this holiday season, interconnected relationships are a key ingredient. In fact, relationships are key everywhere. According to Little Bear, the Western mind focuses on the social values of bigger and faster. To consider the social values in the Blackfoot mind, think about energy waves always in a state of flux. This is also scientific-minded territory. For an example of how this relational way of thinking might translate to the workforce, think team building, shared authority, and treating employees like a work family. As Little Bear suggests, this approach often results in team players producing better quality work.

Little Bear was instrumental in being part of creating Indigenous studies 50 years ago (in college at the University of Lethridge in Canada). Since many of us were not privy to Indigenous college courses, try on some Indigenous ways of relating:

  • Think holistically and relationally, rather than through the narrow lens of an individual paradigm;
  • Emphasize interconnectedness not just with your relatives and best friends, but also with land, spirit, and community for mental wellness and healing — understand life as energy, not just facts; 
  • Consider how language, story, dreams, and holiday rituals may shape pathways to healing.

Considering a lifetime of teaching, advocacy, and cultural stewardship, Little Bear challenges us to understand what thinking globally means as a rhythm of relational connections. He recalls his childhood when he heard both of his parents always singing! Yes, music is one of our best connectors. I go to many choral concerts and always feel a sense of renewal in the company of singers who harmonize with each other as if they are of one mind.   

What about the times when you are with relatives or friends and you do not sense any renewal of lifelong tuning in one-mind relating? There are good reasons, you say. Figure out where the disconnect story began. I have a “throw” pillow that says, “Home is where your story begins.” Start there.  

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

458. Do recall any dreams that hold special meaning for you?

459. How does telling your stories to a good listener bring lifelong tuning?  

Tender Gratitude

“Thankfulness finds its full measure in generosity of presence, both through participation and witness. We sit at the table as part of every other person’s world…this is the essence of gratefulness…Thanksgiving happens when our sense of presence meets all other presences. Being unappreciative might mean we are simply not paying attention” (Canadian American cultural writer David Brooks, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen).  

Another writer’s definition of gratitude also aligns with the importance of attention in the present moment: “Gratitude is not a passive response to something we have been given; gratitude arises from paying attention, from being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without and beside us. Gratitude is not necessarily something that is shown after the event, it is the deep, a-priori state of attention that shows we understand and are equal to the gifted nature of life” (Irish poet David Whyte, Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words).  

Yes, “presence” is key to the experience of gratitude! As Thanksgiving emerges this week into present time, it is a reminder that we might consider being present to gratitude more of the year than on the annual Thursday holiday when many of us gather together to contemplate our blessings. I am reminded that not everyone in America celebrates this day. The distorted narrative of the Pilgrims feasting with indigenous people — who had long settled this land prior to the newcomers’ landing — is disturbing.

On our precious planet we need to be “tender narrators,” a phrase delivered by Polish psychologist-turned-novelist Olga Tokarczuk when she received the Nobel Prize in Literature for her entire writing in 2018. A tender narrator considers the big picture: “…a perspective from where everything can be seen. Seeing everything means recognizing the ultimate fact that all things that exist are mutually connected into a single whole, even if the connections between them are not yet known to us…[it] also means a completely different kind of responsibility for the world, because it becomes obvious that every gesture ‘here’ is connected to a gesture ‘there,’ that a decision taken in one part of the world will have an effect in another part of it, and that differentiating between ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ starts to be debatable.” Is American soil “mine” or “ours?”

In gratitude for her genetic roots, Tokarczuk recalls curiosity about everything. Her wide-eyed life view enables her to make connections that may not be obvious initially. While she invents stories for her novels, she sums up what I endorse as a writer of nonfiction and blogs: “…I made it into a general belief…that our task is to synthesize and consolidate the world, looking for connections, both overt and hidden, and building an image of the world as a complex whole full of mutual relations.” Let’s be grateful for mutual relations.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

448. What prompts gratitude in you?

449. How often do you express gratitude out loud?   

Women and Well-being

Following last week’s blog, Men and Well-being, it seems appropriate to address women’s well-being. First, here is a 4-point working definition of well-being that is supported by neuroscience research from the Center for Healthy Minds, University of Wisconsin-Madison:

  • Awareness: A heightened, flexible attentiveness to one’s environment and internal cues such as bodily sensations, thoughts and feelings.
  • Connection: A feeling of care and kinship toward other people that promotes supportive relationships through acknowledging and understanding another’s unique perspective.
  • Insight: A self-knowledge concerning how one’s emotions, thoughts and beliefs shape their experiences and sense of self.
  • Purpose: A keen understanding about one’s core values and deeper motivation to be capable of applying them in daily life.

Perhaps you know some women who embody these concepts. I know many women who are proficient in these ways of well-being. My theory about why this is so prevalent among women is that women are the ones who give birth to the future generation. Whether they have this opportunity or not, they often are responsible for educating precious children. These givers of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness need their own well-being honed to be capable of being positive role models in guiding youth.

It is a huge benefit that women have a good amount of the hormone and neurotransmitter, oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the “love hormone.” Men have less of this hormone gem, although they do possess oxytocin. Couples in the early stages of a romantic attachment have significantly higher levels of oxytocin than singles! Oxytocin is an arousal helper. Levels of the hormone spike both during and after sex. Hugs, physical touch and meaningful eye contact all release oxytocin.

Oxytocin is not just related to reproduction; it is involved in many of the positive emotions that we experience. Research suggests that men with higher-than-average oxytocin levels show greater empathy, trust, and attachment in their ongoing relationships. Oxytocin helps parents form lifelong bonds with their children. Oxytocin also is effective as a natural stress-reliever, as it can lower blood pressure and improve circulation. It has anti-inflammatory possibilities.

Overall, oxytocin is a hormone that helps one feel balanced. When oxytocin levels are low, there are noticeable effects in an individual that are troublesome – a low ability in relating to others, a reduced empathy range, and/or greater-than-average feelings of loneliness and anxiety.  Practices like meditation, deep breathing, and yoga can help release oxytocin.

There is a great need for all of us to awaken to our birthright of well-being. This is our time, this present time, to bond with one another. Our planet depends upon it. Our country depends upon it. Our communities depend upon it. Our families depend upon it. As ballerina and member of the Osage Nation, Maria Tallchief reminded, “Very often you are in the right place, at the right time, but you don’t know it.”

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

429. When are you aware of experiencing well-being?

430. What purpose might you fulfill today?        

Men and Well-being

Family therapist Terry Real (yes, his real name) is the founder of Relational Life Therapy. His specialty for 40 years is men. He is the author of 4 books with titles such as I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women. He has a reputation for “saving marriages” when hope for repair has dwindled to a couple’s last-ditch effort. “All relationships are about balance/unbalance/repair, harmony/unharmony/repair.”

Real believes men are depressed “because they are terrible at intimacy.” Furthermore, he considers that the U.S. is a “toxic culture of individualism” which does not include nurturing interpersonal relationships. He offers workshops for working with “grandiose men” who lack empathy for themselves as well as empathy for others.

What is a grandiose behavior? According to Real, a grandiose man is apt to minimize, deflect, blame, and rationalize. His grandiosity, similar to intoxication, greatly impairs his judgment. He often has experienced considerable hurt in his life and manages it through a “retreat to the one-up position…If you’re in the one-down, shame state—which is where most women are, overtly—at least you know it. But one of the insidious things about the flight from shame into grandiosity—which is where many men go—is that it doesn’t feel bad. In fact, it often feels pretty good.”   

Real’s experience is that a grandiose man will only change when his partner “starts walking.” If left unchecked, men’s grandiose behaviors often leave a legacy of crippled functioning to their offspring.

It is difficult being a man today (and difficult being a woman also). Online influencers in the “manosphere” blast misogynistic rhetoric alongside physical fitness tips. Women frequently are blamed for whatever ails a man. This toxic “manosphere” is developed through the interplay of certain chatrooms, websites, vlogs, TikTok channels, and gaming platforms. Cynthis Miller-Idriss, founder of Polarization, Extremism Research & Innovation Lab (PERIL) at American University, and author of Man Up, describes grandiosity in the manosphere as often mixed with anger: “They’re performing outrage, it’s salacious, it feels good, it’s like candy for guys who are angry.”

Consider the 18th century story, Robinson Crusoe by British writer, journalist, and spy, Daniel Defoe (1660-1731). Protagonist Crusoe is shipwrecked on a remote island. A sole survivor, he begins to feel regret (and perhaps develops some self-empathy) for his former choices. He does not have a smart phone to influence his thinking, only a Bible. He develops morality. He becomes grateful for his life. He keeps himself alive for 28 years despite harsh circumstances. He defends prisoners from cannibalism. Two of Defoe’s more famous quotes apply here: “All men would be tyrants if they could,” and more hopeful, “But it is never too late to be wise.”   

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

427. Have you experienced any kind of relationship (as a colleague, family member, or partner) with a grandiose man?

428. How might the U.S. invest in emotional fitness — for everyone?   

How Many Ways Are There to Say Goodbye?

Salvador Dali, Untitled (Dream of Venus)

I confess that I do not have a ready answer to this question. In fact, I am better at asking questions than supplying answers, if you have been reading my blogs for awhile. How could I possibly know how each of you defines a “good” goodbye? I’m pretty sure that all of us have received poor goodbye versions, but straight from my parenting book, let’s keep a focus on what to do, instead of what not to do. It just is a forward-thinking and healthier route.

I have checked online to see what others think about ways to say goodbye. I was struck by one way — “Peace out” — which I have never heard anyone use! According to a definition, it is “an informal and casual way to say goodbye, often used with a sense of finality.” I have had occasion to say goodbye recently to a number of people who I believe I will never see again; saying “peace out” would have seemed strange. Saying goodbye actually derives from “God be with ye,” shortened to “Godbwye,” before becoming today’s “goodbye.“ 

Here are some other goodbye versions that might have been useful if I had read about them earlier:

  • This is not goodbye, it’s thank you — express gratitude for your relationship and the time spent together, focusing the farewell on fond memories. 
  • “Remember me and smile, for it is better to forget than to remember me and cry”  (Dr. Seuss) — remembering the good times, find peace in each going their separate way.
  • “Farewell is like the end, but in my heart is the memory, and there you will always be” (Disney) — acknowledge the finality of the goodbye while maintaining the enduring nature of memories.

Say yes to memories, but the recognition that you may never see someone again is grieving territory. Colin Murray Parke, a British psychiatrist, coined this version: “The pain of grief…is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.” In a recent discussion with others, one person made this insightful comment: when you have to say a significant goodbye, it brings up all of the other times you were in this situation and it feels sad all over again for those earlier goodbye times. There is grieving in the goodbyes in our lives and we are not fond of grieving. Do we expect everything to “last?” Well, yes.

Poetry can help us deal with the impermanence in life.

“As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever….” (from “Stages” by poet and novelist Herman Hesse, in his last novel, The Glass Bead Game (which won Hesse the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1946).

Embrace impermanence and savor your ability to have significant relationships.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

405. How do you say goodbye to someone you may never see again?

406. When can you recall  “good” goodbyes?

Attachment in Words

Are you aware of how your words land on a listener’s ear? Words can be like poison arrows or love letters. Both your flying-missile words and thoughtful spoken or written words of caring have staying power. They are not taken back easily. Words can boomerang across generations.

Whose words are you speaking on a regular basis? We do not ask ourselves this question, as we may not be aware of the answer.  I can recall the stunned look on a client’s face when she admitted that she suddenly caught herself “sounding just like her mother” in a heated exchange with her feisty teenager in my therapy office. Her insight provided an incredible starting place for real change in the parent-child relationship. Admitting that her lashing-out response was not what she had intended, but it just “slipped out,” was a healing moment for broader family dynamics.

Much of the time adults attempt to manage activated parts of their personalities with little recognition that they replicate another’s response patterns. Generations share not only DNA but some embedded ways of speaking to one another. Rage reactions do not “come out of the blue,” but often are solidly anchored in caretaker attachment issues. Early relationships in childhood can set the pace for later attachments.

Neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel suggests that (as early as age 7) children pick up on attachment patterns of adults in their world. Based on the early theory of British psychiatrist John Bowlby and later research by American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth and others, there are four attachment patterns. Here are representative take-away words from each pattern:

  • Secure — “People will respect what I say.”
  • Avoidant/dismissive – “I did not get what I needed; I don’t need anybody for anything.”
  • Anxious/ambivalent – “I don’t know if you are my friend or not.”
  • Disorganized – “I can’t regulate my emotions; I fragment. Under stress I can’t think straight.”

Michigan poet Will Carleton cautions: “Boys flying kites haul in their white winged birds; you can’t do that when you’re flying words. ‘Careful with fire,’ is good advice we know. ‘Careful with words,’ is ten times doubly so.”

Dan Siegel believes that parents are capable of creating secure attachments with their children even if they did not receive such caring from their caretakers. The key is being aware of an honest and coherent narrative of one’s own upbringing.

Siegel’s 4 S’s remind us how to foster secure attachments. ALL adults can improve their approach to family life and work life. Employers, heads up!

What a different world we would have if parents and employers had secure attachments!

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

367. What are your words for making sense of your childhood?

368. How do you view your attachment pattern today?     

Pearls of Engagement

Why do “rules of engagement” or ROE have a military definition? The “rules” in ROE refer to guidelines for the ways in which the use of military force is deemed “acceptable.” Often, these rules breakdown in combat with terrifying consequences.

The word engagement simply means “an arrangement to do something or go somewhere at a fixed time.” A popular use of “engagement” refers to a loving agreement to marry another, not wipe them out. However, relationships sometimes are at war. We need rules for engagement.

Psychologist John Gottman’s research on couples can predict a divorce or breakup-in-the-making if the “Four Horsemen” are present – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The #1 piece of advice from the Gottman Institute for sustaining a romantic relationship applies to other relationships too — turn toward (connect with) another’s bids successfully to pay attention; care about even small stuff that another person finds important in the moment. Make bids a practice. If needed, it is OK to prompt someone verbally: “I’m making a bid for attention now.”

We are creatures of belongingness or social connections, but loneliness is on the rise in the U.S. According to the Surgeon General, Dr. Dr. Vivek Murthy, loneliness tops other major health issues in the U.S. In a New York Times guest essay, Murthy reports alarming circumstances with a breakdown of engagement with others: “Loneliness is more than just a bad feeling. When people are socially disconnected, their risk of anxiety and depression increases. So does their risk of heart disease (29%), dementia (50%), and stroke (32%). The increased risk of premature death associated with social disconnection is comparable to smoking daily — and may be even greater than the risk associated with obesity.”       

Playwright Tennessee Williams challenged loneliness (Camino Real): “When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.”

Murthy challenged Americans to a “5-for-5 Connection Challenge” between December 4th-15th.

Step 1 – Commit to connect (by choosing 5 actions and 5 days in a row to connect with people;

Step 2 – Connect each of the 5 days (through choosing an action each day such as expressing gratitude, offering support, or asking for help);

Step 3 – Reflect and share (by first asking yourself, “How did connecting make me feel?” Let others know about your experience and invite them to join the challenge). How did connecting make you feel?  

Here are my reflections after I took up the Surgeon General’s exercise. I enjoy connecting with others, so this “challenge” was not difficult on the surface. I found that offering support is ingrained in my training and experience; it is a natural practice. I do offer gratitude frequently, but I plan to increase this one. Asking for help is not my general practice (except in technology snafus). I found pearls of engagement in Murthy’s challenge. Let’s extend his 5-day challenge for engagement.  

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

247. Where might you need practice in offering gratitude or support?

248. When do you connect with others by asking for help?