Category: Trauma, Self-awareness, Inner peace

According to professor of psychiatry Bessel van der Kolk, “At the core of (trauma) recovery is self-awareness. The most important phrases in trauma therapy are ‘Notice that’ and ‘What happens next?’” Big-T trauma is serious injury, violence or death. Little-t traumas are more in the eye of the beholder, including non-life-threatening injury, emotional abuse, bullying/harassment, and significant losses (perhaps of a relationship or a beloved pet). Trauma involves the story you hold onto about what has happened. Finding inner peace is about acceptance of your emotions—all of your emotions—and living in the present moment.

How Many Ways Are There to Say Goodbye?

Salvador Dali, Untitled (Dream of Venus)

I confess that I do not have a ready answer to this question. In fact, I am better at asking questions than supplying answers, if you have been reading my blogs for awhile. How could I possibly know how each of you defines a “good” goodbye? I’m pretty sure that all of us have received poor goodbye versions, but straight from my parenting book, let’s keep a focus on what to do, instead of what not to do. It just is a forward-thinking and healthier route.

I have checked online to see what others think about ways to say goodbye. I was struck by one way — “Peace out” — which I have never heard anyone use! According to a definition, it is “an informal and casual way to say goodbye, often used with a sense of finality.” I have had occasion to say goodbye recently to a number of people who I believe I will never see again; saying “peace out” would have seemed strange. Saying goodbye actually derives from “God be with ye,” shortened to “Godbwye,” before becoming today’s “goodbye.^“

Here are some other goodbye versions that might have been useful if I had read about them earlier:

This is not goodbye, it’s thank you — express gratitude for your relationship and the time spent together, focusing the farewell on fond memories.
“Remember me and smile, for it is better to forget than to remember me and cry” (Dr. Seuss) — remembering the good times, find peace in each going their separate way.
“Farewell is like the end, but in my heart is the memory, and there you will always be” (Disney) — acknowledge the finality of the goodbye while maintaining the enduring nature of memories.

Say yes to memories, but the recognition that you may never see someone again is grieving territory. Colin Murray Parke, a British psychiatrist, coined this version: “The pain of grief…is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.” In a recent discussion with others, one person made this insightful comment: when you have to say a significant goodbye, it brings up all of the other times you were in this situation and it feels sad all over again for those earlier goodbye times. There is grieving in the goodbyes in our lives and we are not fond of grieving. Do we expect everything to “last?” Well, yes.

Poetry can help us deal with the impermanence in life.

“As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever….” (from “Stages” by poet and novelist Herman Hesse, in his last novel, The Glass Bead Game (which won Hesse the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1946).

Embrace impermanence and savor your ability to have significant relationships.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

405. How do you say goodbye to someone you may never see again?

406. When can you recall “good” goodbyes?

Communicate Perils or Pearls

Jitish Kallat, *Public Notice 3* (The words communicate 2 historical moments: A speech by social reformer Swami Vivekananda on 9-11-1893 and the terrorist attacks on 9-11-2001), Art Institute of Chicago

In an interview with psychologist Jill Suttie, journalist Nicholas Carr details social media history and its variable effects upon the public. The telegraph and telephone arrived in the 1800’s. The first commercial radio station followed in 1920. As a wireless telegraph, radios provided Morse codes to ships and lighthouses where wires could not reach. Then came an onslaught of radio news, music, and perhaps most important – opinions that dominated the one-size-fits-all airwaves for mass consumption. Some complained that radio was “dumbing down the population.” A dangerous force of radio’s power was when German Nazis took over radio stations in the 1930’s and communicated their propaganda.

Carr makes the argument in his book, Superbloom: How Technologies of Connection Tear Us Apart, that more efficient communication does not equate with better communication. He refers to research that suggests that learning more about other people does not lead to liking them more or even understanding them more. In fact, finding out the various ways that another person is different from one’s self-perception can lead to disliking that person. Simply put, people tend to focus on differences more than similarities and we dislike “the other” who is “different.”

Currently our online lives can overwhelm us with massive amounts of information which we filter through our existing biases. Another problematic issue is that folks are addicted to social media. Carr states it well: “We’re not being manipulated to act in opposition to our desires. We’re being given what we want in quantities so generous, we can’t resist gorging ourselves.”

Social media outlet algorithms find what we use regularly and then load us with similar topics. With the oncoming AI locomotive barreling down media tracks, who can escape this runaway train? AI offers virtual “companions.” Is this communication or manipulation?

A sidecar in social media is the “Influencer.” The definition of an Influencer is an individual who is able to generate interest in something by posting about it on social media. Initially an Influencer was a celebrity (think Elon Musk who was, or still is, an Influencer of the U.S. President), but today’s Influencers can be anyone with a large following on social media. This is enough content about communication perils.

Where are the communication pearls? Communication skills are key in relationships, careers, and world diplomacy. We simply must teach children effective communication and problem-solving skills. Early in my career I was part of a small group of psychologists teaching Myrna Shure and collaborator George Spivak’s Interpersonal Cognitive Problem Solving, later renamed I Can Problem Solve (ICPS). I worked with Myrna at Hahnemann Medical College and Hospital (Philadelphia) and her 8-week curriculum for students from preschool to 6^th grade. ICPS engages both teachers and parents in training children on how to think and communicate with an understanding of alternatives. Much communication requires alternative problem-solving steps.

Who teaches adult versions of I Can Problem Solve?

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

403. Who are your social media Influencers? ‘

404. What communication skills do you use daily?

Down-Memory-Lane Reunions

High school class reunions are a coupling of nostalgia for one’s youthful memories and a grappling with finding out that some classmates experience serious health challenges or are no longer living. As years progress post high school, the number of attendees dwindles. I was surprised to learn that one-third of my high school classmates have died. At our gathering there were helium-filled balloons with the name of each person who had died. We released the balloons skyward following our reunion luncheon. This had not been a part of our earlier reunions; the ritual was touching, but sobering.

There is a problem with releasing balloons. As the balloons finally die, their remains often are swallowed by animals who become ill and/or die. Ribbons attached to balloons may impede wildlife also. Some states have banned the practice altogether due to the serious consequences.

This made me wonder how others handle reunions. Google had answers, but not about the deceased. Reunion-planners may give a list of questions for classmates; I found that many of the online questions could be considered judgmental. An example is asking who in the class has the longest marriage. Another question asks who has been to jail! How would a person with a divorce or jail-record feel about such questions? The question that I found most enlightening is this one:

What are 3 things that you want to do in the next 5 years?

I cannot say that I found many answers to this question informally. Although one classmate asked me, “Are you still working,” it seemed that the opinion was that there must be something wrong with not fully “retiring.” Most talk was reminiscing-focused.

Curiosity expert Scott Shigeoka has a “Powerful Questions List” to engage people in thinking out-of-box.

What was a challenging thing you did this month?
When did you feel proud of yourself recently?
What’s something new you’d like to try?
What is life teaching you right now?

Survey results from Road Scholar report that 94% of older adults experience greater well-being among those who “age adventurously.” Folks reported feeling just as happy in their 50’s, 60’s, and beyond as they did in their 20’s and 30’s. There is no one size that fits all, and I am not referring to the size of your clothes, a topic of concern for some. The definition of aging adventurously might mean staying physically active by running around the yard with grandchildren, traveling more exotically than your parents’ generation, or creating a new bucket list and following through with your possibilities.

Road Scholar, a non-profit organization that creates 4000 learning adventures from birding to Beethoven for participants 50+, is celebrating its 50-year anniversary in 2025. June 8^th was pronounced “Age Adventurously Day” by Road Scholar. But isn’t every day a good day for some adventure?

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

401. You knew it was coming. What are 3 things that you want to do in the next 5 years?

402. How might you define aging adventurously?

Transition Pearls

Are you in transition? Every day is a mini-transition, but I’m asking about bigger changes, the kind rated on the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. The “top” 10 events on the stress scale are death of spouse, divorce, marital separation, jail term, death of close family member, personal injury/illness, marriage, fired at work, marital reconciliation, retirement…moving is #32.

Transitions are everywhere. Consider your breath moving constantly, from inhale to exhale. As singer/songwriter George Strait, reminds, “…life’s not the breath you take, the breathing in and out / That gets you through the day ain’t what it’s all about / You might just miss the point if you don’t slow down the pace / Life’s not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.”

I have experienced moments recently that take my breath away. The reaching out of many friends cools down my stress thermometer. I am moving cross-country for a fourth time. I finished college in the Midwest and moved to Boston for graduate school and career-building. The second move was a shorter hop to Philadelphia where my husband had a new job waiting. Parents by then, we each found employment that was mind-stretching. A third move back to the Midwest was both job-related for my beloved husband and closer to extended families. We found mind-bending jobs and grew a whole lot. Death-of-spouse solo, I plan a west coast move where I will be closer to where my children have settled. They need mountains and hiking; it feels healthy for me too.

We cannot know in advance the outcome of our many transitions, but we can take notice when something “moves” us and takes our breath “away.” A cook for all seasons, Ina Garten, lived in Washington DC and was a regular hostess of dinner parties. She left her government job with the White House Office of Management and Budget decades ago to buy a cheese and gourmet shop, the Barefoot Contessa on the Hamptons. She cheerfully quipped, “You figure it out along the way!” Without knowing how her maiden entrepreneurial venture would turn out, she had a bird’s-eye view. She stepped into uncharted territory one breath at a time. On a small stage, isn’t this what we all do when we wake up each morning?

After two decades of operating her specialty shop, Garten sold her business and took a year to figure out her next stage. When she slowed down her pace, Garten next became a cookbook author in the very crowded field of cookbook authors. With cookbook success, she was offered her own TV cooking show on the Food Network, receiving inclusion in the inaugural 2021 Forbes “50 Over 50” list of leaders and entrepreneurs. Her 2024 memoir has a catchy second title, Be Ready When Luck Happens.

Garten inspires me to make big changes. Who inspires you?

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

399. When is the last time that some action took your breath away?

400. What transition calls out to you?

Memorial Mammals

Blue whale skeleton, Natural History Museum, London

Gigantic blue whales (100+ feet long) were rescued from extinction in the 1960’s. Hunters gorged on profits from whale meat, oil, and baleen. Blue whale numbers fell from nearly 350,000 to approximately 400 in the late 20^th century. While these mammals slowly grow in numbers, they remain an endangered species due to marine pollution and climate change on an uptick.

Today is Memorial Day when we mourn a different mammal’s demise – humans (average height 5.5 feet). In addition to pollution and climate changes that threaten humankind, our species seems fixated on wars. It is impossible to know an approximate numbers of soldiers and civilians who lost life in war-related “hunting” in different desired profits, especially land grabs, and/or power over certain “others.”

I received an education about war and its lingering trauma effects when working with veterans in my family therapy private practice. I cannot imagine being sent to a far-away place and then hunting down the people who live there, whether soldier or civilian. How could one know from a distance if a person was the intended target? The term “collateral damage” bothers me. Civilian casualties are considered murder in circumstances not bound by military definitions. Veterans in countless wars shot their guns “in the air” rather than killing another of their kind. When we give air to all the stories from veterans, perhaps we then might engage in civil problem-solving.

However, it is no wonder that veterans decline to speak about their experiences. They carry an emotional backpack that they believe they must hide and protect. Who can make the personal decision to dishonor their government’s orders? Returning Vietnam soldiers felt scammed when realizing the war hoax of a President who did not know how to end disastrous results. Coupled with personal value systems shattered, soldiers suffer silently.

I once participated as a volunteer in an innovative program called Vet Art. We used forms of art to engage Vietnam War veterans in coping with their lingering trauma. Like my veteran clients, both men and women soldiers told war grief stories of shame and guilt. While listening to and caring for other vets in a safe group environment, soldiers discovered that their emotions were universal although each had unique ways of exiling the pain they lugged through current life.

Americans have a lot to learn about grieving from the Dutch. Beginning in 1945 Dutch citizens “adopted” the graves of 8,301 U.S. soldiers buried in the Margraten American Cemetery. Considering U.S. soldiers their liberators in preserving democracy, Dutch families have preserved this grave adoption for 70 years. Many graves are passed on, generation to generation, even writing the respectful grieving ritual into wills. Dutch families search for and contact families of their adopted fallen soldier. On Memorial Days, some biological family members attend ceremonies with their Dutch-adopting family. Might such cross-culture caring keep us from extinction?

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

397. What stories linger for you about war experiences?

398. How might you honor cross-culture sacrifices today?

Ancestor Pearls

Ever curious, I traveled to the UK to find my English ancestors in the Yorkshire dales (Viking word for valleys). On my plane ride over the ocean I read the history of Yorkshire’s people – industrious and opinionated – check and check. I also found a new understanding about my 9-times-great grandfather. Gathering Yorkshire lore, there is a line-up of possible gene diversity in early times. My Lonely Planet travel guide gives a history of a variety of people occupying Yorkshire. Originally there was a local tribe called “Brigantes” who were linked to the Celtic goddess Brigantia. But many adventurers desired claim to the lovely rolling hills and dales of Yorkshire. A revolving door of conquering warriors settled there:

AD 71 — Romans fought off Brigantes, building roads and fortifications.
AD 122 — Roman emperor Hadrian, born in Italica, used the fort at York for “campaigns.”
AD 325 — Roman priest Paulinus converted Yorkshire people to Christianity.
AD 410 – Roman Empire rule ended in Britain with Anglo-Saxons taking charge.
AD 866 — Vikings arrived, making York a successful trading post.
AD 954 — King Eadred of Wessex took command, ousting the Vikings.
AD 1066 — King Harold II held off a Norwegian invasion, only to die at the Battle of Hastings.
AD 1066 – Vikings rebuilt York, including the beginning of the large cathedral…
AD 1644 – “Civil” War nearly destroyed the city of York.

My ancestor, Joseph Whitacre (also spelled Whitaker), was born in Yorkshire in 1680. Was he part-Viking? Was he Norwegian? I already knew that he was a Quaker who set sail from Liverpool to Philadelphia on the ship Britannia in 1699. The pacifist Quakers were persecuted for their religious beliefs. They rejected the Church of England’s rituals containing elaborate ceremonies and set ways of worship. Quakers held a different understanding of divinity, believing in the “Inner Light,” or the presence of divinity within each person.

In the University of Leeds Brotherton Library basement, my daughter and I viewed microfilm records of the Quakers in Yorkshire in the 1600’s. There were so many names beginning with the letter W and my relative was not at the beginning of the W names (not listed alphabetically). The last name of Wilson might be next to Wood. When I finally saw Whitaker, John, whose father was also John, it was amazing!

Unfortunately, there was no occupation listed for his father, or his mother’s name, but I found what I was really interested in – his identity confirmed, his hometown named, and his siblings’ names. I was able to visit the site of his Quaker Meeting House, and his family’s town of Halifax, important in the wool industry at the time. Halifax was delightful, nestled in the dales of Yorkshire…one immigrant family line traced to their hometown, three lines to go.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

395. Where did your precious ancestors live?

396. How many diverse groups of people might make up your family tree?

Beauty in Character

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, although every month needs to have perennial awareness of bodymind health. The ancient words attributed to Chinese philosopher Confucius or K’ung Fu-tzu (551 BCE-479 BCE) reflect how important mentally healthy families are to a peaceful planet: “If there is righteousness in the heart, there will be beauty in the character. If there is beauty in the character, there will be harmony in the home. If there is harmony in the home, there will be order in the nations. When there is order in the nations, there will be peace in the world.”

While we do not have any accurate accounting of the childhood or family life of Confucius, there is undisputed history about China being in a time of ideological crisis then. The Zhou Empire had held ruling power for a 500-year span, but feuding hereditary families began eroding a sense of Chinese traditions. Some elite regional rulers lost track of a concept of beauty in the greater good. They became competitive with their dynasty ruler for wealth and women.

Diminished moral principles were the impetus for Confucius’ ideas. He spoke with a systemic view of his beloved country’s leadership. Confucius taught that a leader must lead by positive example – teaching virtue, living with integrity, exercising self-discipline, remaining humble, and treating people with compassion. Confucius believed that mutual moral obligations were a country’s unifying force. His teachings promoted learning virtue so that a leader’s subjects would follow lawful living. This plan-ahead approach is as true for effective parenting as for wise politics.

While Confucius died believing that his philosophy had not reached people in any significant way, his teachings prevailed, becoming the recognized official philosophy of China for a time. He had attracted a motley crew of disciples — aristocrats, merchants, farmers, artisans, and criminals. Some Chinese still follow Confucianism, as well as some folks in Japan, Korea, and Vietnam.

Confucianism is not an organized religion, but rather a guiding discipline for “beauty” in one’s character (ethical behavior). Treating others well is a mainstay in mental wellness. Confucius and his followers promoted love for humanity, ancestor worship, respect for elders (seasoned citizens in my words), self-discipline and compassion. Loving others while possessing self-discipline (ren) is summarized by his rendition of the “Golden Rule” — “What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others.” (Lunyu or The Analects of Confucius, 12.2, 6.30).

This familiar teaching is part of every world religion. It is repeated multiple times in the Analects. The beauty-in-character message does not imply easy solutions. Another impact saying attributed to Confucius involves how to teach (or parent) another: A teacher only “...points out one corner of a square;” their mentee must “…come back with the other three.” (Analects, 7.8).

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

393. What are the 3 top virtues that you choose to live by?

394. How do you believe we might reinforce beauty-in-character lessons for today’s children?

Do Tigers Meditate?

Photo by **Frida Lannerström on Unsplash [istock]**

Cats, large and small, seem to have personalities just like people. Some cats are mostly wild things, while others have a Mother Theresa calming, quiet presence. But all of you cat lovers know how reflective-appearing your kitty can look (some of the time). Does your cat meditate? Do any animals meditate?

Dutch-American primatologist Frans de Waal and Canadian philosopher Evan Thompson have an interesting perspective in “Primates, Monks and the Mind: The Case of Empathy.” https://www.wisebrain.org/papers/EmpathyPrimates.pdf

Thompson admits that he does not know the developmental possibilities for contemplative mental ability in animals, although he made a compelling case for creatures showing “loving-kindness” in mother-offspring compassion witnessed across many species. His view is that it is impossible to study consciousness without addressing the use of empathy.

De Waal cited social relationships in not only primatology, but also in dogs (wolves) and dolphins. How often do dogs “sense” some sensitive emotion (energy) and come closer to announce, “I’m here for you?” The authors affirmed connectivity between animals. I can vouch for this. In my childhood we had two Weimaraner/Labrador dogs – Ike and Mamie. Guess who was President? When Mamie died, Ike never was quite the same animal. He languished. He grieved. Perhaps Ike and Mamie meditated together? They often appeared peaceful together. As brother and sister pups, they always hung out together. Their wolf ancestors hung out in packs so they could hunt big prey for mutual gain.

De Waal made the case that animals rarely kill another in their own species. Biologists argue that trying to kill is simply too dangerous for animals; de Waal proposed that it is mutual dependency that can hold aggression to some limits in animal world. He suggested, “You cannot wipe out groups in which your relatives live because from an evolutionary perspective that’s counterproductive.” Animals do fight with their own kind; in the case of primates, they make up afterward.

Whether we call it meditation or use another description, mammals appear to have times for quiet “reflection.” Meditation in Primates Studies suggest that chimpanzees and orangutans do engage in meditative-like behaviors. They sit quietly for extended periods of time, open-eyed, and appear to show a relaxed awareness. Whether this is similar to meditation in humans is unresolved. Perhaps future research can determine how animal meditative-like behaviors compare to meditative brain states in humans.

One definition of meditation is the behavior of focusing on one thing, perhaps the breath, to the exclusion of everything else. Researchers find that some dogs and cats appear to show meditative-like behavior more than others. They find a cozy corner and stare into space. Do humans feel more relaxed when they see their kitty relax? Pets do teach humans many things. Perhaps they are mentors of meditation.

The practice for in-the-moment consciousness with empathy seems to escape too many humans. Yes, dear reader, it takes practice.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

391. How often do you practice a meditative-like state?

392. What benefits do you notice when you consciously meditate?

Every Day is Earth Day

We celebrate our 55^th anniversary of Earth Day with its theme, “Our Power, Our Planet.” The global focus for this year is energy – solar, wind, hydroelectric, geothermal, and ocean tidal-generated energy. Themes chosen each year gather collective plans for facing facts on ticking-clock climate awareness where it seems most needed. President of EarthDay Organization, Kathleen Rogers, delivers a summons: “The collective power of a billion voices is vast and one billion people speaking out on an issue is hard for governments, institutions, or industry to ignore.” Yes, but how many believe (or care) there is climate change?

Earth Day was initiated by Wisconsin U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson. His foresight of impending climate issues led Americans in 1970 to advocate for environmental reforms. Establishing the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has roots in this movement. By 1990 Earth Day extended to 141 countries. In 2016 the Paris Agreement signed by 175 countries at the United Nations was a commitment to limit global temperature rise. The 192 countries currently observing Earth Day make it the largest global secular celebration.

Some celebrations are short-lived. On Earth Day, April 22, 2025, EPA reduction-in-force letters reached nearly 200 employees who were in limbo since their placement on “administrative leave” in February. They worked for the Office of Environmental Justice and External Civil Rights, or translated, they worked on “protecting low-income and minorities most at-risk from air and water pollution.” One employee, Ellie Hagen, received her layoff notification at 5 PM. Her whole team (Environmental Justice Community Health) was deemed “wasteful.” Hagen’s non-partisan work was to reduce lead exposure in Ohio family homes. It seems ironic that these government edict letters were delivered on Earth Day.

In March there was a rollback of environmental regulations. EPA’s “reorganization”has a proposed 65% budget-cut figure. Meanwhile, China has the world’s largest investment, as well as production, of renewable energy relying mainly on hydroelectric energy. Costa Rica has produced 98% of their electricity from renewable sources for 10 years. Sweden’s powerhouse goal is to reach 100% renewable energy by 2040.

Our precious Earth has limits. According to the Chicago Botanic Garden, one-third of plant species in the U.S. are at risk of extinction. The World Wildlife Fund (WWF), a Swiss-based international non-governmental organization (the world’s largest conservation organization), calculates that between 10,000-100,000 species become extinct each year. It is so unclear what the actual number may be. What is clear is that the current rate of extinction is due to a single species causing it – people. According to WWF, humans use 25% more natural resources than are sustainable on Earth. https://wwf.panda.org/discover/our_focus/biodiversity/biodiversity/

Whatever the actual extinction numbers are, Earth and her citizens are suffering from a biodiversity crisis. Put Earth Day on your calendar every day.

It is bloom time for the short-lived forget-me-not.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

389. Is there some movement that you might join to caretake Earth for future generations?

390. What personally will you do today to return care for Mother Earth?

Eustress/Distress: A Brain Teeter-totter

April is Stress Awareness Month (since 1992) with sponsorship by The Health Resource Network, founded by Mort Orman, M.D. https://healthresourcenetwork.org/ A non-profit in the UK, The Stress Management Society, joined sponsorship in 2023.

The theme for 2025 is #LeadWithLove. This is not some far-fetched notion but realize that “love” takes many brain moves. Love entails daily practice.

Dr. Orman’s mission is to promote knowledge about stress and life mastery skills to cope with inevitable challenges of life. Orman lists 30 key mastery skills. Consider how often you light-up your brain for bodymind health: Emotions mastery, Relationships mastery, Advanced stress mastery, Self-discipline, Happiness creation, Honesty, Humility, Telling the truth, Integrity, Personal responsibility, Critical thinking/reasoning, Wisdom, Values, Purpose, Commitment, Communications skills, Leadership skills, Self-love, Self-esteem, Compassion, Exercise enjoyment, Love of learning, Fearless public speaking, Healthy lifestyle, Money/finances, Success mindset, Understanding human beings, Helping others, Leaving a legacy, Personal power.

Orman uses the American Psychological Association’s definition of stress: “…a normal reaction to everyday pressures but [stress] can become unhealthy…stress involves changes affecting nearly every system of the body, influencing how people feel and behave. By causing mind-body changes, stress…affects mental and physical health, reducing quality of life.”

Most people consider stress to lead to burnout or exhaustion, but that is an incomplete understanding of stress. Stress is more similar to a brain teeter-totter; it can move in one direction, then abruptly reverse course. Stress can motivate you; it is not always negative. From a book chapter I wrote, “Families in Stress” [In S. Wadhwa Editor, Stress in the Modern World: Understanding Science and Society], there is a range to stressors in your life:

“Endocrinologist Hans Selye made the word stress a household staple, suggesting that life would be boring without stress. Many positive family situations entail stress. Selye labeled positive stress as eustress and negative stress as distress. He created the word stressor to describe the stimulus or event that precipitates a stress response. Examples of positive stressors in the family are a child’s piano recital or sporting event, and a parent’s new job. Family distress ranges from community natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina, to inside-the-family reactions to death or illness of a loved one, to juggling a myriad of everyday decisions and deadlines. Parents need to learn how to detect smoke before their own reactions, and/or their child’s stress reactions, blaze out of control.”

Simply, we need more adults in the room, whether as models for youngsters, or as companions to other adults who have their own melt-down reactions. We all vacillate when the flames of stress reach us, but biological stress responses can save your life. Fight/fight/freeze stress reactions are biological survival mechanisms in the animal world as well as the human world.

Psychological survival is less clearcut. Many stressors relate to fear, both real and imagined future fears. “Name it to tame it,” advises psychiatrist Dan Siegel.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

387. What is a stressor for you?

388. Is your approach lead-with-love? If not, why not?