Tag: emotions

Self-Communication Grit

Social work researcher Brené Brown teaches employees how to fail. She calls this training “Daring Leadership.” Millennial employees and interns make up half of her staff. She reports that nearly every Millennial who works with her has confided some version of a kind of innocence: “I never learned how to have these kinds of conversations.” “I never learned about emotions or how to talk so openly about failure, and I’ve never seen it modeled.” “When you’re used to using technology for everything, these hard face-to-face conversations are awkward and so intense.”

If tough communication skills are not taught at home, then public education might pick up the slack. However, schools do not like the word “failure” any better than parents. This communication grit training then falls to OJT, or on-the-job training, the great teacher in most work settings.

I recently read that researchers report evidence for humans speaking as many as20,000 to 75,000 different languages in a timeframe between 1,000 and 3,000 years ago. I wondered if early humans had vocabulary for failure or disappointment in any of their languages. According to an internet search, every culture has a linguistic version of mistakes, or lack of success. However, it is impossible to know vocabulary from thousands of years ago! Many questions have few clear answers.

Irish organizational consultant Annette Clancy did her PhD research on emotion in organizations with a questioning focus on disappointment. She found that the wider the gap between expectation and reality, the greater the disappointment. Major disappointment entails a grieving process, even if the reality of some special thing happening never existed. This applies to one’s work as well as one’s relationships, but disappointment frequently is masked by distracting or numbing oneself. Most of us have little training in addressing our disappointments.

Disappointments need communication, often first with ourselves.  And we need passion plus perseverance (grit) to be frank in our self-communication. Why exactly are we disappointed? It is only one part of one’s personality, but it can link up with a chain of personality parts that exude vulnerability, blame and/or anger, the other parts that we try to avoid.

Your disappointment has roots. This simple recognition is a starting place for some investigation. What were your expectations about a given situation? What were some earlier times when you were disappointed? Can you think of any disappointments from your childhood years? Was some failure ignored or denied at that time? It is time to admit failures, flubs, and disappointments. In fact, learning from failure may be key to creativity. Post-it Notes were created from “failed” weak glue.

Let’s adopt Brené Brown’s approach: “No vulnerability, no creativity. No tolerance for failure, no innovation. It is that simple. If you’re not willing to fail, you can’t innovate. If you’re not willing to build a vulnerable culture, you can’t create.”

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

520. When has a disappointment eventually led you to innovate?

521. What gets in the way of meeting your goals?

Emodiversity Complexity

Computer Complexity

It turns out that negative emotions are useful. Whether you initially agree or not, stay tuned for a different slant on pesky emotions. Jordi Quoidbach has a Ph.D. in Psychology from University of Liège, Belgium, and spent several years as a Postdoctoral Fellow at Harvard; he studies happiness and decision-making. Quoidbach’s research into emodiversity (a piggyback idea from biodiversity) suggests, “…people who experience a diverse range of emotions…tend to be healthier, mentally and physically.” With increased emodiversity, his research found decreased depression, number of doctor visits, and days hospitalized per year in participants. 

Having emodiversity means acknowledging a variety of emotions in your day — allowing for frustration, disgust, jealousy, gratitude, tranquility, and elation. Quoidbach explains: “…it is not just having a diverse range of positive emotion, but we also find that having a diverse range of negative emotion is better than having a narrower range of negative emotion.”

My understanding of so-called “negative” emotions is that they are protectors, often shielding an individual from some unacknowledged small-t trauma situation (or a big-T trauma such as a natural disaster). When one can accept that there is a reason why a “negative” emotion pops into consciousness, there is a possibility of coping with one’s history. It is not useful to ban emotions when they can serve as maps that lead to problem solving. Often the mapping of a “negative” emotion takes one on a follow-the-memory consciousness back to an earlier year when some event triggered alarm. Such memories still sting from youngster years.

Quoidbach’s research relates to correlation, not causality. However, his steps to increase emodiversity might serve as stepping stones for a deeper dive down memory lane’s complexity:

  1. Create an Emotions Matrix
    • Audit your emotions for a week. Jot down each emotion you recognize in quadrants: 1. Pleasant, high-energy emotions (joy or excitement are examples); 2. Pleasant, low-energy emotions (perhaps serenity or relief); 3. Unpleasant, high-energy emotions ( such as anger or disgust); 4. Unpleasant, low-energy emotions (boredom or sadness are examples).
    • Ask, “Why am I not more diverse? Am I afraid of experiencing specific feelings? Maybe [that’s] because I’m afraid that some stuff will come out?”

       2. Put Yourself in Situations That Evoke Certain Emotions

    • Establish the areas in which you may want to expand your emotional life. Recognize how often you evoke those feelings.
    • Recognize if you never feel angry; it may suggest that some inner conversations could prove useful.
    • Also, if you are constantly chatty and cheerful, consider experiences that allow for you to be still and calm.

    3. Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary

    • Make an effort to name your emotions. Then expand your emotional vocabulary. It could prove useful to use words from ancestral native languages.
    • Quoidbach relates, “When you learn new words for emotions, you start paying attention to situations differently… you expand the range of emotions you experience.”

    Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

    452. When are you most aware of your emotions?

    453. Are there times when you feel shame for an emotion?

    Inter-being Connections

    Ugo Rondinone, Soul, Galerie Eva Presenhuber, Zurich, 2013

    I read the book that my graduate school, Boston University, asked students to read as they began this new academic year. The choice was British novelist Samantha Harvey’s Orbital (2024 Booker Prize winner), about 6 astronauts on the International Space Station (actually 4 astronauts — American, Japanese, British, Italian — and 2 Russian cosmonauts). The novel was a fascinating blend of out-of-this-world details of living/working without benefit of gravity and the daydream/nightdream lives of the intrepid souls onboard.

    Purposedly, I had not read the reviews before my own reading. I find that a reviewer’s comments often tell more about the reviewer than about a book. In any case, reviews were mixed. On the plus side, reviewers found Harvey’s writing “beautiful…contemplative.” She describes Earth as having fragility. Through the eyes of astronauts there were worries about personal fragility, like fending off nausea, while zooming around Earth 16 times a day in mind-dizzying circles.

    Negative reviewers commented on “minimal plot,” a “lack of traditional character development” and finding “philosophical musings…lacking in substance.”

    What caught my attention was how similar the international astronauts were in terms of their emotions. This should not be a surprise. The author places readers into a spacey, weightless interconnection with Planet Earth alongside the sacred space of weighty troubles of everyday people – a mother’s death, another’s unhappy marriage, and a third astronauts’ sick relative.

    I agree with the reviewer who noted that the reader feels as if they “were up there with them” for the one day, a Tuesday, that the story unfurls in captivating description: “Over its right shoulder the planet whispers morning – a slender molten breach of light…they have each at some point been shot into the sky on a kerosene bomb, and then through the atmosphere in a burning capsule with the equivalent weight of two black bears upon them.” 

    I appreciated a review from James Wood (in New York Times) commenting on earlier literary figures who longed to know what it would be like to travel in an airplane, but they were never afforded the opportunity: “…the poets and novelists who moved naturally from the mundane to the massive, who saw God and knew death and narrated time, who sensed that, beyond this ‘mundane egg’ (Blake) ‘This World is not Conclusion’ (Dickinson).”

    Harvey’s haunting narrative can border on the poetic: “Some alien civilization might look on and ask: what are they doing here? Why do they go nowhere but round and round?”

    Swiss sculpturer Ugo Rondinone also offers stark commentary on human nature in his Soul figures. While his primitive blocks of bluestone are not chiseled into perfection, as quarry trauma in the form of drill-holes and splits are visible, his overall repetition of forms makes a statement. Each individual sculpture is titled an emotional state – “The “Affectionate,” “The Surprised,” The Frisky,” “The Concerned.” We can identify. It’s called inter-being.

    Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

    440. What are your views of space travel?

    441. How do you interpret your own round-and-round days?