Tag: mental-health

School Days…Golden Rule Days?

“…Let’s take a trip on memory’s ship / Back to the bygone days… / School days, school days / Dear old Golden Rule days / ‘Reading and ‘riting and ‘rithmetic / Taught to the tune of the hick’ry stick….”

Did you sing this in childhood? OK, I’m dating myself. As a youngster in rural Indiana, it was a well-known song. Thankfully, I never was spanked either at home or in school, although many children receive this wayward discipline. The 1907 song was composed by Will D. Cobb and Gus Edwards. Imagined crooners were adults looking back on childhood experiences in elementary school. Were Cobb or Edwards paddled in school?

As a new school year is in first gear, it rattles my psychology training that in 2025 corporal punishment remains “legal” in private schools in every U.S. state except Illinois, Iowa. Maryland, New Jersey and New York. What educational textbooks are these educators reading? And to make it clear that private education is not the only believer in spanking, it is also “legal” in 17 states in public schools (supposedly “practiced” in 12 states). Spanking is not a healthy choice for either the inflicted child or the perpetrator doing the spanking. As a family therapist, I taught parents and kids, “Hands are for hugging, cooking, playing and ____________________; hands are not for hitting.”

An online Newsweek article (8-22-25) reports that a nonprofit organization, Lawyers for Good Government, has investigated corporal punishment. Sadly, their findings are that Black children comprise 37.3% of the inflicted, and disabled children make up 16.5% of the incidents. This discrimination is disgraceful.

In case you wonder, here are the 17 states allowing corporal punishment in schools: Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Missouri, New Hampshire, North Carolina, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, and Wyoming. Florida made a recent concession – parents must give consent — and “it depends upon the school” in 4 more, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Mississippi, and Tennessee.

There is hope for change to archaic discipline in schools. According to Elizabeth Gershoff, Professor of Human Development and Family Sciences, University of Texas at Austin, “…school principals either realize that school corporal punishment is not effective at improving student behavior, that it is not necessary, is cruel and physically harmful, or that it could lead to lawsuits from parents of children injured by school corporal punishment.” 

Sarah Font, Associate Professor of Sociology and Public Policy, Pennsylvania State University, suggests, “…instilling proper respect for authority figures” and adults who received spankings believing they learned something, are reasons the outdated practice exists, despite research that corporal punishment does not improve long-term behavior.

Justin Driver, Professor of Law, Yale Law School, states, “Public school students are the only group of people in American society who government officials strike with impunity for modest transgressions.”

Who is educating government officials? Who educates the educators?

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

423. Were you spanked in childhood at home or school?

424. What effects have you observed in individuals who were hit by teachers and/or parents?

Truth Pearls

Recently I met new neighbors while taking a walk around the block. A vivacious girl met me exclaiming, “I’m 4! I’m 4!” She just experienced her birthday and was radiant about her milestone. I responded, “I’m 4 too, but with a couple of extra years!” She accepted my description readily because when you are 4, doesn’t everybody celebrate being 4 again? That is wearing your sheen.

I did not tell the adorable one that my blog also celebrated a 4th birthday, as it was too abstract for a concrete thinker! I began my blog during the pandemic. I have posted every Monday for 4 years.

Here are words from my first (7-21-21) blog: “…Pearls seem to need attention. If a pearl necklace is locked away, over time the pearls lose their sheen and become dull. While pearls are categorized as a gemstone, pearls are unique in claiming the only gem status to form within a living creature! Unique among diamonds and other gemstones, pearls require no cutting or polishing before use. Pearls are precious. Pearls represent a fresh start. Peace in the family, post-grief peace, and retirement peace all benefit from a fresh outlook. In these blog posts, we will explore how to string pearls of peace wherever you find yourself on your life’s odyssey.”

Some individuals lose their sheen over time. All of us lose track of peace on a regular basis. We humans must polish our sheen to keep peaceful actions at the forefront of our life odyssey.

Joanna Macy is an individual who kept polishing her sheen. She was a possibility model of visionary and dynamic leadership of peaceful causes in global justice and environmental activism. Macy reportedly died “peacefully” at home from complications after a fall on July 19th. She was 96 (or 24 times 4). In reading about her, I want to share highlights from her workshop called “Truth Mandala” that she presented globally. Groups of individuals gather to sit in a tight circle “to form a containment vessel for holding the truth.” There are 4 quadrants with a symbolic object in each – a stone, dead leaves, a thick stick, an empty bowl. Everyone speaks their truth about a quadrant that represents a significant part of their present life:

  • A stone personifies fear. It exemplifies a tight, contracted heart when one is afraid.
  • Dry leaves stand in for one’s sorrow. Much sadness exists within each of us for the trauma we see in our world.
  • The thick stick represents anger and outrage. One must grasp it with 2 hands but not wave it around or pound the ground.
  • An empty bowl signifies one’s hunger for what is missing in their life, perhaps sharing their feelings of emptiness.

Give truth a fresh start. Then take positive actions.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

415. Which of Macy’s 4 quadrants would you speak about if you attended a Truth Mandala workshop?

416. How do we get to a place where people tell the truth about their lives?  

“Fast” Talkers Live Longer

The Berlin Aging Study (BASE) is a multidisciplinary (sociology, psychology, psychiatry, and internal medicine) study of seasoned citizens (my name for older adults) between ages of 70-105. Initially, detailed information was gathered for 258 men and 258 women who lived in Berlin. The longitudinal research originated under the direction of the late German psychologist Paul B. Baltes and German sociologist Karl Ulrich Mayer. Along with his American psychologist wife, Margret Baltes, Paul Baltes viewed lifespan development in terms of “plasticity” in cognitive abilities, a context of adaptation, and multidisciplinary factors such as one’s biology, family, schooling, religious affiliation, and profession. The Baltes couple promoted successful aging through optimizing one’s cognitive functions and the ability to adapt to change, including loss. Research supported their belief that cognitive abilities can continue to develop in late adulthood with participation in stimulating activities. A current longitudinal study (BASE II) of 1600 seasoned citizens (ages 60-80) is underway at the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Germany.

BASE research results are fascinating. General intelligence did not predict who might live longest. Instead, verbal fluency was key in long-living folks. The participants with low (versus high) verbal fluency had a median survival time that was 9 years shorter! Verbal fluency requires broad abilities, including fast information retrieval and a crystallized knowledge base. One only hopes that a fast-talking individual possesses a truthful knowledge base.

Here are a few pointers for increasing your verbal fluency. Heather Hurlock, Founder and Editor of Super Age (an online source of health and wellbeing), names the first three well-established ones.

  • Read out loud. This suggestion also is endorsed by a 30-minute-daily program, StrongerMemory, for those in mild cognitive decline. Do not wait for cognitive deficits to appear to make a reading-out-loud practice for yourself! You will build on articulation and rhythm skills when you read to yourself or others. Both skills link to verbal fluency.
  • Hand-write often. While cursive is being dropped from many elementary schools, I believe that is a mistake. There is evidence that suggests learning cursive handwriting is helpful in one’s overall learning and retention. Handwriting (but not typing) is related to letter processing which translates to successful reading in youngsters. Also, handwriting is part of the StrongerMemory workbook exercises. https://goodwinliving.org/strongermemory-the-fight-against-cognitive-decline/
  • Think (and take deep breaths) before you speak. Take mindful pauses to provide your brain with a chance to retrieve some linking thoughts. Not only will this increase your confidence level, but it may enlist a better (or more humorous) verbal outcome.
  • Give speeches or read a poem (as in open-mic venues). You have talents to share and your brain will reward you for using a variety of sensory inputs.
  • Talk regularly; ask people questions. You may surprise yourself with what you can learn about others in a few sentences.

Have fun talking!

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

413. When is the last time you wrote a letter by hand?

414. How might you practice your verbal fluency in a new way?        

Eustress/Distress: A Brain Teeter-totter

April is Stress Awareness Month (since 1992) with sponsorship by The Health Resource Network, founded by Mort Orman, M.D. https://healthresourcenetwork.org/ A non-profit in the UK, The Stress Management Society, joined sponsorship in 2023.

The theme for 2025 is #LeadWithLove. This is not some far-fetched notion but realize that “love” takes many brain moves. Love entails daily practice.  

Dr. Orman’s mission is to promote knowledge about stress and life mastery skills to cope with inevitable challenges of life. Orman lists 30 key mastery skills. Consider how often you light-up your brain for bodymind health: Emotions mastery, Relationships mastery, Advanced stress mastery, Self-discipline, Happiness creation, Honesty, Humility, Telling the truth, Integrity, Personal responsibility, Critical thinking/reasoning, Wisdom, Values, Purpose, Commitment, Communications skills, Leadership skills, Self-love, Self-esteem, Compassion, Exercise enjoyment, Love of learning, Fearless public speaking, Healthy lifestyle, Money/finances, Success mindset, Understanding human beings, Helping others, Leaving a legacy, Personal power.

Orman uses the American Psychological Association’s definition of stress: “…a normal reaction to everyday pressures but [stress] can become unhealthy…stress involves changes affecting nearly every system of the body, influencing how people feel and behave.  By causing mind-body changes, stress…affects mental and physical health, reducing quality of life.”

Most people consider stress to lead to burnout or exhaustion, but that is an incomplete understanding of stress. Stress is more similar to a brain teeter-totter; it can move in one direction, then abruptly reverse course. Stress can motivate you; it is not always negative. From a book chapter I wrote, “Families in Stress” [In S. Wadhwa Editor, Stress in the Modern World: Understanding Science and Society], there is a range to stressors in your life:  

“Endocrinologist Hans Selye made the word stress a household staple, suggesting that life would be boring without stress. Many positive family situations entail stress. Selye labeled positive stress as eustress and negative stress as distress. He created the word stressor to describe the stimulus or event that precipitates a stress response. Examples of positive stressors in the family are a child’s piano recital or sporting event, and a parent’s new job. Family distress ranges from community natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina, to inside-the-family reactions to death or illness of a loved one, to juggling a myriad of everyday decisions and deadlines. Parents need to learn how to detect smoke before their own reactions, and/or their child’s stress reactions, blaze out of control.”

Simply, we need more adults in the room, whether as models for youngsters, or as companions to other adults who have their own melt-down reactions. We all vacillate when the flames of stress reach us, but biological stress responses can save your life. Fight/fight/freeze stress reactions are biological survival mechanisms in the animal world as well as the human world.

Psychological survival is less clearcut. Many stressors relate to fear, both real and imagined future fears. “Name it to tame it,” advises psychiatrist Dan Siegel.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

387. What is a stressor for you?

388. Is your approach lead-with-love? If not, why not? 

Social Media: The Good, the Bad

“Go to where you are kindest,” writes ​Jaron Lanier, computer scientist, composer of chamber and orchestral music, visual artist and author. Adolescents might not appreciate Lanier’s book, Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now. Teens spend an average of 9 hours per day online, excluding their schoolwork, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. How much of that time is “kindness” a theme?

Among his many writings, Lanier states in his book, Dawn of the New Everything: Encounters with Reality and Virtual Reality, “TV and video games draw people into a zombielike trance.” And yet, he cites the incredible range for good in Virtual Reality (VR) — as in treating veterans’ PTSD or aiding physicians in performing delicate surgery.  

In 2005 Foreign Policy honored Lanier as one of the 100 most Public Intellectuals. In 2018 Wired named Lanier one of the top 25 most influential people over the last 25 years of technological history. However, his personal history was challenging by any standard. His mother was a concentration camp survivor. When Lanier was 9 years old, she was killed in a car accident. For extended periods Lanier lived in tents with his father before this brilliant youth helped design a geodesic dome home, a project encompassing 7 years. At age 13 he began college, studying mathematics that led to computer programming.

Other challenged adolescents find it difficult to imagine such productivity. Instead of savoring and mastering school, they barely handle the VR barrage. Some kill themselves or others. On three initiating dates in the academic calendar — the latest on April 11, 2025 — the non-profit “Beyond Differences” sponsors a student-led social justice project to change the culture of teen angst in schools. Middle school and high school students are targeted to respond to one another at school and online with decency. This year’s theme is “Unmute Your Kindness.” https://www.beyonddifferences.org/national-programs/

The social-emotional learning (SEL) goals of this pay-it-forward effort are twofold: stopping online social isolation, and empowering students to find a sense of community that engages them in taking future positive actions. The message to students is simple and yet profound:

  • Know Your Classmates.
  • No One Eats Alone.
  • Be Kind Online.


As an offshoot of the Sandy Hook Promise Foundation, teachers can download free resources from “Beyond Differences” which feature a training workshop and curriculum. Parents can ask their home school to gain access to the lessons and student-led leadership guide.

Now, can we please get adults to plug into “Unmute Your Kindness?”

Kindness and goodness seem to be in short supply today. My mantra is, “Make something good happen every day.” All of us might benefit from kindness post-it notes to ourselves. Consider Maya Angelou’s poetic summons: “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.”
​
Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

385. How often do you observe people treating others with kindness?

386. What is your version of a kindness post-it note?                 

A Cynicism Climate vs. Warm Fuzzy Terrain

Whatever happened to warm fuzzies, defined as feelings of happiness, hope and well-being?

Stanford University professor of psychology, Jamil Zaki, directs the Social Neuroscience Lab. Zaki and his colleagues find that the rate of U.S. citizens feeling unhappy and mistrusting of others is at a high point.  His book, Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of Human Goodness, disagrees with a common belief that cynics are more perceptive than optimists. Research results show that cynics perform worse in cognitive tests. Cynicism is a destructive force. It can impact one’s well-being. While cynicism may appear to be protective, as in keeping people from taking advantage of you, it is linked to loneliness and losing out on potential collaboration. According to the Pew Research Center, a 2024 study surveyed 6,200 adults in English and Spanish about their well-being and social connections; they found that 1 in 6 Americans feel lonely or isolated most of the time.

“Cynicism is easy. Anyone can do it. Change is hard. That takes us.” Cody Keegan, speechwriter for President Obama, wrote his own speech for a New York University commencement address; this was his advice to graduates.

Jamil Zaki advocates “hope mixed with fury” to inspire genuine change. He suggests that one needs to fact-check their cynicism through increasing a sense of curiosity and first questioning their own beliefs. When one engages in conversations with strangers, or those known to hold opposing political viewpoints, there is an opportunity for two-way growth. 

Having an open mind is a hope-fueled possibility. Hope promotes personal happiness. Zaki fosters a positive spin on collective hope: “Hope doesn’t mean accepting that things are actually great when they’re not — it means acknowledging that things are awful, but that many, many people want them to improve.”

Psychologist Andrea F. Polard, founder of Zen Psychology and author of A Unified of Happiness: An East-Meets-West Approach to Fully Loving Your Life, is another peddler of hope. Her recommendations for taming your inner cynic are the following:

  1. Look deeper, feel deeper. 

Embrace your own cynicism by looking more deeply into your anger. Anger often hides our disappointment. Sometimes we project our disappointment onto the whole of society. Be brave. Confront the pain that your cynicism may hide.

  1. Find inner peace. 

Relate to others by identifying your own attachments. Admit your own biases and shortcomings. Make peace with your own human condition. [Remember, it takes us, all of us.]

  1. Try to work with imperfections constructively. 

A person does not change because someone despises them. Participate in dialogues. Be assertive against injustice and hypocrisy but lead with examples of alternative behaviors.

Be as strong as a pussy willow branch. In spite of a wild spring snowstorm that threatened a tornado, catkins flourished on strong branches that could bend in the wind, hail, and snow.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

381. How often do you catch yourself in a cynical part of your personality?

382. What might you do to increase your hopefulness?                 

Can Springtime Jumpstart Social Prescribing?

Winter aconite bulbs in buttercup family (Ranunculaceae)

There is something magical about the warming of days and the return of blooming bulbs unfurling upward, while trees are budding outward, after their winter hibernation. Spring (or vernal) equinox occurred March 20th. Vernal equinox comes from Latin vernal (new or fresh), aequus (equal) and nox (night). Spring equinox delivers daylight in equal amounts of approximately 12 daylight hours and 12 darkness hours as the sun is above the equator at midday.

March equinox in the Northern Hemisphere is the warming trend signaling that summer is not far away as this section of Earth begins showing more hours of sunlight than darkness. Look north for the Big Dipper to be at a high point. In the Southern Hemisphere, March equinox is the polarized opposite; as this region begins tilting away from the sun, the beginning of autumn occurs. According to EarthSky, the fastest sunsets and sunrises of the year occur on the equinoxes. Another Nature tidbit — auroras’ sky dances frequently happen around autumn and spring equinoxes when geomagnetic storms on the sun cause rippling disruptions in Earth’s magnetic field. This awesome feature of Mother Nature reportedly is one of the earliest patterns ever recorded by scientists. https://earthsky.org/sun/aurora-season-auroras-equinox-connection/

I was in Washington state before spring equinox and received an aurora alert on my cell phone! Being an avid sky observer, I set my phone alarm to get up at the prescribed possibility time, but a clear sky did not unfurl any aurora beams of beauty. However, just this possibility of seeing a blooming sky made me smile.

There is something healthy-feeling about warmer temperatures, as more people gather outside and enjoy Nature’s bounty. Doctors are learning to administer social prescriptions. Physicians Alan Siegel and Carla Perissinotto offer this description: “Social prescribing means connecting of people to activities, groups, and support that improve their health and well-being. These often include a range of social services, the arts, nature, volunteerism, movement, companionship and community-building.” Social prescribing is active in 32 countries. I wonder if social prescriptions are refilled more frequently in Nature’s pharmacy in springtime.

Massachusetts has a statewide program in social prescribing. For example, a hypertension research study (Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston) utilizes social prescriptions through an art-prescribing company, Art Pharmacy. Based in Atlanta, Art Pharmacy partners with programs in California, Connecticut, Georgia, Massachusetts and New York. Founded in 2022, one goal of Art Pharmacy is to address the loneliness and mental health crises of U.S. citizens. Traditional physical and mental health care can have serious gaps in reaching many individuals’ needs. Social Prescribing USA, a national advocacy organization, has 8 states with pilot projects.

Springtime means the beginning of gardening season for me. All of us need sunshine, both literally and figuratively. Spring delivers more literal sunshine, but the figurative sunshine of well-being is elusive for many.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

379. What does springtime mean to you?

380. How might you write your own prescription for social well-being this spring? 

Pearls of Brain Awareness

Brain scan data, Human Connectome Project: Credit Matthew F. Glasser, David C. Van Essen

Growing up in farmland with paternal grandparents who produced their own beef and pork, I was offered cow brains for dinner in butcher season. While my parents relished this delicacy, I recoiled and could not partake of this unique delicacy. I had no awareness about missing the nutritional benefits of beef brains (vitamins A, B6, B12, C, D, E, K, phosphatidylserine, folate, niacin, magnesium, zinc, and choline, among others), but I still am not a proponent today. I am a proponent of taking care of one’s own 3-pound brain at mealtimes, sleep times, exercise times, and well, any time!

I like the global focus on Brain Awareness Week (the third week of every March), which serves as an annual launch for year-round brainy activities. This is the 30th annual Brain Awareness Week, the “brainchild” (I could not resist) of the Dana Alliance for Brain Initiatives and the European Dana Alliance for the Brain. The Dana Foundation is a nonprofit organization with the lofty goal of promoting brain science internationally to create better futures for everyone.

Dana foundation-sponsored programs such as one in Bamenda, Cameroon, and promoted by physician, Mundih Noelar Njohjam (founder of Cameroon Epilepsy Awareness and Aid Foundation), delivered brain science education to 5000 students. Njohjam provided her grant feedback: It was really interesting to watch [the students] as we explained the wonderful nature of the brain and how neurological diseases occur…especially epilepsy, because in our country epilepsy is often attributed to witchcraft. After listening to us talk, one student openly told us that before we came, he was one of those who usually stigmatized people with epilepsy,” she said. “So many confessed after the presentation that their mindset about epilepsy has really changed.” Truth matters.

Consider some facts offered by the Global Council on Brain Health: https://extension.illinois.edu/blogs/family-files/2025-02-24-celebrate-brain-awareness-week-all-year-long

  • Most of us are capable of learning at ANY age, especially getting involved with cognitively stimulating activities such as meeting new people, growing new hobbies or expanding knowledge.
  • Dementia is NOT normal aging. Typical age-related changes in the brain are different from those caused by disease.
  • Children are not the only ones who can master a foreign language – age does not prevent you from learning a new language.
  • Memory skills can improve with practice. The adage, “Use it or lose it,” is as important to memory skill training as it is to taking care of one’s physical health. 
  • Retaining details is just easier for some people than others, but this is true for all ages.
  • Strategies can ripen your memory. Chunk information into smaller bits for enhanced memorization. Use mnemonic devices. Practice retrieval (spacing out repetition works better than cramming). Make flash cards. Quiz yourself.
  • Neurons are created throughout your lifetime.

Being a life-long learner is invigorating! I am grateful for my many opportunities to keep my workhorse brain on the move.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

377. What new learning have you embraced recently?

378. How might you become a better caretaker of your brain? 

Attachment in Words

Are you aware of how your words land on a listener’s ear? Words can be like poison arrows or love letters. Both your flying-missile words and thoughtful spoken or written words of caring have staying power. They are not taken back easily. Words can boomerang across generations.

Whose words are you speaking on a regular basis? We do not ask ourselves this question, as we may not be aware of the answer.  I can recall the stunned look on a client’s face when she admitted that she suddenly caught herself “sounding just like her mother” in a heated exchange with her feisty teenager in my therapy office. Her insight provided an incredible starting place for real change in the parent-child relationship. Admitting that her lashing-out response was not what she had intended, but it just “slipped out,” was a healing moment for broader family dynamics.

Much of the time adults attempt to manage activated parts of their personalities with little recognition that they replicate another’s response patterns. Generations share not only DNA but some embedded ways of speaking to one another. Rage reactions do not “come out of the blue,” but often are solidly anchored in caretaker attachment issues. Early relationships in childhood can set the pace for later attachments.

Neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel suggests that (as early as age 7) children pick up on attachment patterns of adults in their world. Based on the early theory of British psychiatrist John Bowlby and later research by American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth and others, there are four attachment patterns. Here are representative take-away words from each pattern:

  • Secure — “People will respect what I say.”
  • Avoidant/dismissive – “I did not get what I needed; I don’t need anybody for anything.”
  • Anxious/ambivalent – “I don’t know if you are my friend or not.”
  • Disorganized – “I can’t regulate my emotions; I fragment. Under stress I can’t think straight.”

Michigan poet Will Carleton cautions: “Boys flying kites haul in their white winged birds; you can’t do that when you’re flying words. ‘Careful with fire,’ is good advice we know. ‘Careful with words,’ is ten times doubly so.”

Dan Siegel believes that parents are capable of creating secure attachments with their children even if they did not receive such caring from their caretakers. The key is being aware of an honest and coherent narrative of one’s own upbringing.

Siegel’s 4 S’s remind us how to foster secure attachments. ALL adults can improve their approach to family life and work life. Employers, heads up!

What a different world we would have if parents and employers had secure attachments!

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

367. What are your words for making sense of your childhood?

368. How do you view your attachment pattern today?     

Understand Compassion in Grieving

“I write to understand as much as to be understood,” explained Elie Wiesel, Romanian-American Holocaust survivor and Nobel laureate. Isn’t this true for all writers? If writing is one’s career, there is motivation to put groceries on one’s table, but writing also is a powerful way to grasp and then share some deep understanding of a topic.

The tragic airline crash into Potomac River in Washington, DC grabbed people’s grief strings. An airplane carrying 64 individuals from Wichita, Kansas, and a helicopter carrying 3 soldiers collided just as the larger plane was preparing to land — on a crystal-clear evening. Undoubtedly, passengers were anticipating their meet-up with relatives and rides. Perhaps they were enjoying DC lights and sights. Aviation attorney and experienced pilot Arthur Wolk noted how numerous lights in this crowded airspace can conflict with flight instructions.

Soldiers in the helicopter were conducting a “routine training mission” to practice evacuating government officials if deemed necessary in an emergency. Instead of leading anyone to safety, the unthinkable occurred. Two days later a jet-ambulance crashed in Philadelphia, killing 7 and injuring 22 on the ground, a further tragedy. Smashed dreams and shattered families frighten even those without relationships with the victims. Encountering another’s trauma activates branches of trauma memories in one’s own life.

Journalist Rebecca Soffer, co-founder of online Modern Loss, is keenly aware of sudden death. She was 30 when her mother was killed in a car accident, one hour after giving Rebecca a ride from family camping. Then at age 34, Rebecca’s father died of a heart attack while on a cruise. Co-founder Gabrielle Birkner began her journalism career writing obituaries for a local newspaper. While 27-year-old Gabrielle was in the newsroom working on obituaries, she received unthinkable news that her father and stepmother were murdered in a home invasion. Both young adults sought companionship and compassion from those who might understand their grief.

Gabrielle interviewed psychiatrist M. Katherine Shear, founding director of Columbia University’s Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia’s School of Social Work. Here is Dr. Shear’s definition of compassion: “Compassion is defined as the feeling of wanting to help someone who is hurting or suffering or has had to confront an untoward experience. Compassion means having a sympathetic awareness of that person’s pain along with a desire to ease the suffering.” She further pointed out that women are better at taking care of others than taking care of themselves. Often women feel that it is selfish to have self-compassion.   

Actually, one needs to hone their self-compassion to be capable of compassion for another’s suffering. It is possible to learn self-compassion skills. Allow yourself to address grief as a form of interdependent love, both for yourself and others. I can vouch for writing 3 things, large and small, in a daily-gratitude journal as one runway to land self-compassion.

Pearls of Peace (PoP) Quiz

365. When have you used writing (in any form) to cope with grieving?

366. In what ways do you show compassion for others?